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Happiness is seeing your son drafted the same day he's been accepted to an expensive college.
Johnny Carson
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Johnny Carson
Age: 79 †
Born: 1925
Born: October 23
Died: 2005
Died: January 23
Actor
Host
Journalist
Magician
Military Officer
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Television Presenter
Writer
Corning
Iowa
John William Carson
Carson
The Great Carsoni
Happiness
Drafted
Expensive
Accepted
Son
College
Seeing
More quotes by Johnny Carson
For days after death hair and fingernails continue to grow, but phone calls taper off.
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We resort, frankly, to pies, which is a comedy staple that's gone back, I guess, to since the first pie was ever baked.
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The worst gift is a fruitcake. There is only one fruitcake in the entire world, and people keep sending it to each other.
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As long as I don't commit any crimes, you have no right to judge me except by my performance as a professional. On that level, you're welcome to think whatever you want about me.
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Happiness is your dentist telling you it won't hurt and then having him catch his hand in the drill.
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When the public starts classifying you as thoughtful, someone given to serious issues, you find yourself declassified as a humorist.
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When a comic becomes enamored with his own views and foists them off on the public in a polemic way, he loses not only his sense of humor but his value as a humorist.
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The closest thing to Roseanne Barr's singing the national anthem was my cat being neutered.
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It's the lack of this kind of open and honest education about sex that causes so many kids to grow up with sexual hang-ups.
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I would like to say, for the record, that I am in favor of using more American Indians and other minorities in motion pictures, I am against polluting the oceans of the world, I am for every nationality having its own homeland, I am against whacking baby seals on the head, and I am for saving the whales.
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Democracy is welcoming people from other lands, and giving them something to hold onto. Usually a mop or a leaf blower.
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Egyptian President Sadat had a belly dancer entertain President Nixon at a state dinner. Mr. Nixon was really impressed. He hadn't seen contortions like that since Rose Mary Woods.
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Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place.
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Only lie about the future.
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I loved the towns I grew up in as a boy, and after I became a celebrity, I went back several times. I would have had the time of my life seeing the old places and the old faces again, but the attitude of those same people was, I guess you're so big we bore you now.
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I demand my right to a private life, just as I respect that right for everybody else.
Johnny Carson
The Champagne they have stored is getting more valuable every year.
Johnny Carson
Thanksgiving is an emotional holiday. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they only see once a year. And then discover once a year is way too often.
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I don't think it's you that changes with success - it's the people around you who change. Because of your new status, they change in relation to you.
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There's a big difference between being a loner and being lonely. I'm far from lonely. My day is full of things I enjoy, starting with my show. Any time my work is going well and I have a relationship with a woman that's pretty solid, that does it for me.
Johnny Carson
