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Happiness is seeing your son drafted the same day he's been accepted to an expensive college.

Johnny Carson

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Johnny Carson
Age: 79 †
Born: 1925
Born: October 23
Died: 2005
Died: January 23
Actor
Host
Journalist
Magician
Military Officer
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Television Presenter
Writer
Corning
Iowa
John William Carson
Carson
The Great Carsoni
College
Seeing
Happiness
Drafted
Expensive
Accepted
Son

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Egyptian President Sadat had a belly dancer entertain President Nixon at a state dinner. Mr. Nixon was really impressed. He hadn't seen contortions like that since Rose Mary Woods.
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Democracy means that anyone can grow up to be president, and anyone who doesn't grow up can be vice president.
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There are very few Japanese Jews. As a result, there is no Japanese word for Alan King.
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Never use a big word when a little filthy one will do.
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Whatever you do, you're going to be criticized.
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I know a guy who gave up smoking cigarettes, consuming, sex, and wealthy meals.
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As long as I don't commit any crimes, you have no right to judge me except by my performance as a professional. On that level, you're welcome to think whatever you want about me.
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I'm an entertainer I try to give the public what it wants while I'm on the screen, and I'm completely sincere about it. If I don't happen to be a laughing boy off the screen, that doesn't make me a hypocrite or a phony.
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Adults ask questions as a child does. When you stop wondering, you might as well put your rocker on the front porch and call it a day.
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I would like to say, for the record, that I am in favor of using more American Indians and other minorities in motion pictures, I am against polluting the oceans of the world, I am for every nationality having its own homeland, I am against whacking baby seals on the head, and I am for saving the whales.
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There's only one critic whose opinion I really value, in the final analysis: Johnny Carson. I have never needed any entourage standing around bolstering my ego. I'm secure. I know exactly who and what I am. I don't need to be told. I make no apologies for being the way I am.
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It's the lack of this kind of open and honest education about sex that causes so many kids to grow up with sexual hang-ups.
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I wouldn't have the slightest interest in running for public office. I'd rather make jokes about politicians than become one of them.
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If you're happy in what you're doing, you'll like yourself, you'll have inner peace.
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A two-pound turkey and a fifty-pound cranberry-that's Thanksgiving dinner at Three Mile Island.
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He's so fat, he can be his own running mate.
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If it weren't for Philo T. Farnsworth, inventor of television, we'd still be eating frozen radio dinners.
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Entertainment is like any other major industry it's cold, big business. The business end wants to know one thing: Can you do the job? If you can, you're in, you're made if you can't, you're out.
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May you have the income of a Republican and the sex life of a Democrat!
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I am one of the lucky people in the world I found something I always wanted to do, and I have enjoyed every single minute of it.
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