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May you have the income of a Republican and the sex life of a Democrat!

Johnny Carson

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Johnny Carson
Age: 79 †
Born: 1925
Born: October 23
Died: 2005
Died: January 23
Actor
Host
Journalist
Magician
Military Officer
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Television Presenter
Writer
Corning
Iowa
John William Carson
Carson
The Great Carsoni
Democracy
May
Life
Democrat
Income
Sex
Republican

More quotes by Johnny Carson

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When the public starts classifying you as thoughtful, someone given to serious issues, you find yourself declassified as a humorist.
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Never ask your wife if she still hears from her old pimp.
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Happiness is your dentist telling you it won't hurt and then having him catch his hand in the drill.
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For days after death hair and fingernails continue to grow, but phone calls taper off.
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Believe me, you don't walk away from the kind of money you make with a daily television show. You might get awful tired of it sometimes, but take a second look at the check and you get less tired right away.
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They say atomic rad-i-ation can hurt your reproductive organs. My answer is, so can a hockey stick. But we don't stop building them.
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Democracy is buying a big house you can't afford with money you don't have to impress people you wish were dead.
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It's the lack of this kind of open and honest education about sex that causes so many kids to grow up with sexual hang-ups.
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You become successful, the way I see it, only if you're good enough to deliver what the public enjoys. If you're not, you won't have any audience so the performer really has more to do with his success than the public does.
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Despite the fact that computer speeds are measured in nanoseconds and picoseconds - one billionth and one trillionth of a second, respectively - the smallest interval of time known to man is that which occurs in Manhattan between the traffic signal turning green and the taxi driver behind you blowing his horn.
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Some sad news from Australia... the inventor of the boomerang grenade died today.
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I loved the towns I grew up in as a boy, and after I became a celebrity, I went back several times. I would have had the time of my life seeing the old places and the old faces again, but the attitude of those same people was, I guess you're so big we bore you now.
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George Burns has been on my show twenty or thirty times, or maybe more. How can you turn down a guy that age?
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Pie throwing is kind of a lost art, and although it may be a rather rudimentary, burlesque humor, there's something inherently funny about taking a pie in the face, under the right conditions.
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If it weren't for Philo T. Farnsworth, inventor of television, we'd still be eating frozen radio dinners.
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The only thing money gives you is the freedom of not worrying about money.
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Whatever you do, you're going to be criticized.
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In 1932, lame duck president Herbert Hoover was so desperate to remain in the White House that he dressed up as Eleanor Roosevelt. When FDR discovered the hoax in 1936, the two men decided to stay together for the sake of the children.
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There's a big difference between being a loner and being lonely. I'm far from lonely. My day is full of things I enjoy, starting with my show. Any time my work is going well and I have a relationship with a woman that's pretty solid, that does it for me.
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When a comic becomes enamored with his own views and foists them off on the public in a polemic way, he loses not only his sense of humor but his value as a humorist.
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