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I hated my last boss. He asked, Why are you two hours late? I said, I fell downstairs. He said, That doesn't take two hours.

Johnny Carson

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Johnny Carson
Age: 79 †
Born: 1925
Born: October 23
Died: 2005
Died: January 23
Actor
Host
Journalist
Magician
Military Officer
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Television Presenter
Writer
Corning
Iowa
John William Carson
Carson
The Great Carsoni
Take
Hated
Asked
Late
Hours
Lasts
Last
Downstairs
Doesn
Boss
Two
Fell

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A two-pound turkey and a fifty-pound cranberry-that's Thanksgiving dinner at Three Mile Island.
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I demand my right to a private life, just as I respect that right for everybody else.
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There are very few Japanese Jews. As a result, there is no Japanese word for Alan King.
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An oxymoron? What's that? A moron who studies at Oxford?
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According to statistics, it's a lot easier to get hit by lightning than to win a Lotto jackpot. The good side: you don't hear from your relatives.
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If you're happy in what you're doing, you'll like yourself, you'll have inner peace.
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I get sick of that old rationalization, We're staying together because of the children. Kids couldn't be more miserable living with parents who can't stand each other. They're far better off if there's an honest, clean divorce.
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Thanksgiving is an emotional holiday. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they only see once a year. And then discover once a year is way too often.
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I wouldn't have the slightest interest in running for public office. I'd rather make jokes about politicians than become one of them.
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The Hollywood tradition I like best is called sucking up to the stars.
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The only thing money gives you is the freedom of not worrying about money.
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I feel the one sensible thing you can do is try to live in a way that pleases you. If you don't hurt anybody else, what you do is your own business.
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Adults ask questions as a child does. When you stop wondering, you might as well put your rocker on the front porch and call it a day.
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Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place.
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There's a big difference between being a loner and being lonely. I'm far from lonely. My day is full of things I enjoy, starting with my show. Any time my work is going well and I have a relationship with a woman that's pretty solid, that does it for me.
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If variety is the spice of life, marriage is the big can of leftover Spam.
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Do you know my dream? I really want to become an aluminum-siding salesman.
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I owe one thing to my public - the best performance I can give.
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I hear that whenever someone in the White House tells a lie, Nixon gets a royalty.
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Pittsburgh is kind of like Newark without the cultural advantages.
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