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I hated my last boss. He asked, Why are you two hours late? I said, I fell downstairs. He said, That doesn't take two hours.

Johnny Carson

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Johnny Carson
Age: 79 †
Born: 1925
Born: October 23
Died: 2005
Died: January 23
Actor
Host
Journalist
Magician
Military Officer
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Television Presenter
Writer
Corning
Iowa
John William Carson
Carson
The Great Carsoni
Take
Hated
Asked
Late
Hours
Lasts
Last
Downstairs
Doesn
Boss
Two
Fell

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Democracy means free television, not good television, but free.
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May you have the income of a Republican and the sex life of a Democrat!
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The closest thing to Roseanne Barr's singing the national anthem was my cat being neutered.
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Happiness is discovering the prune juice your doctor ordered you to drink has fermented.
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An oxymoron? What's that? A moron who studies at Oxford?
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The worst gift is a fruitcake. There is only one fruitcake in the entire world, and people keep sending it to each other.
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I'm an entertainer, not a commentator. If you're a comedian your job is to make people laugh.
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Happiness is seeing your son drafted the same day he's been accepted to an expensive college.
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Maybe we should hold the next [Olympic] games in Afghanistan and hope the Soviets pull out of that one too.
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We resort, frankly, to pies, which is a comedy staple that's gone back, I guess, to since the first pie was ever baked.
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I loved the towns I grew up in as a boy, and after I became a celebrity, I went back several times. I would have had the time of my life seeing the old places and the old faces again, but the attitude of those same people was, I guess you're so big we bore you now.
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Democracy is buying a big house you can't afford with money you don't have to impress people you wish were dead.
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Adults ask questions as a child does. When you stop wondering, you might as well put your rocker on the front porch and call it a day.
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Happiness is being served with a paternity suit on your 75th birthday.
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The only issue cash presents you is the independence of not stressing about funds.
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Never continue in a job you don't enjoy. If you're happy in what you're doing, you'll like yourself, you'll have inner peace. And if you have that, along with physical health, you will have had more success than you could possibly have imagined.
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People are hypocrites. If you ask them what they want to see on TV, they'll tell you they want better quality programming. And then what do they watch? 'Gilligan's Island.'
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George Burns has been on my show twenty or thirty times, or maybe more. How can you turn down a guy that age?
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I am one of the lucky people in the world I found something I always wanted to do, and I have enjoyed every single minute of it.
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I get sick of that old rationalization, We're staying together because of the children. Kids couldn't be more miserable living with parents who can't stand each other. They're far better off if there's an honest, clean divorce.
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