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I hated my last boss. He asked, Why are you two hours late? I said, I fell downstairs. He said, That doesn't take two hours.

Johnny Carson

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Johnny Carson
Age: 79 †
Born: 1925
Born: October 23
Died: 2005
Died: January 23
Actor
Host
Journalist
Magician
Military Officer
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Television Presenter
Writer
Corning
Iowa
John William Carson
Carson
The Great Carsoni
Take
Hated
Asked
Late
Hours
Lasts
Last
Downstairs
Doesn
Boss
Two
Fell

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If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.
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I get sick of that old rationalization, We're staying together because of the children. Kids couldn't be more miserable living with parents who can't stand each other. They're far better off if there's an honest, clean divorce.
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In 1932, lame duck president Herbert Hoover was so desperate to remain in the White House that he dressed up as Eleanor Roosevelt. When FDR discovered the hoax in 1936, the two men decided to stay together for the sake of the children.
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George Burns has been on my show twenty or thirty times, or maybe more. How can you turn down a guy that age?
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Adults ask questions as a child does. When you stop wondering, you might as well put your rocker on the front porch and call it a day.
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I think it's almost immoral to keep on with a marriage that's really bad. It just gets more and more rotten and vindictive and everybody gets more and more hurt. There's not enough honesty about marriage, I think. I wish more people would face the truth about their marital situations.
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It's the lack of this kind of open and honest education about sex that causes so many kids to grow up with sexual hang-ups.
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Never marry a girl named 'Marie' who used to be known as 'Murray'.
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I am one of the lucky people in the world I found something I always wanted to do, and I have enjoyed every single minute of it.
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I have an ego like anybody else, but I don't need to be stoked by going before the public all the time.
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There are very few Japanese Jews. As a result, there is no Japanese word for Alan King.
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Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place.
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The Champagne they have stored is getting more valuable every year.
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If it weren't for Philo T. Farnsworth, inventor of television, we'd still be eating frozen radio dinners.
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Democracy is buying a big house you can't afford with money you don't have to impress people you wish were dead.
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Pie throwing is kind of a lost art, and although it may be a rather rudimentary, burlesque humor, there's something inherently funny about taking a pie in the face, under the right conditions.
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Only lie about the future.
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According to statistics, it's a lot easier to get hit by lightning than to win a Lotto jackpot. The good side: you don't hear from your relatives.
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The only thing money gives you is the freedom of not worrying about money.
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People will pay more to be entertained than educated.
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