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I hated my last boss. He asked, Why are you two hours late? I said, I fell downstairs. He said, That doesn't take two hours.

Johnny Carson

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Johnny Carson
Age: 79 †
Born: 1925
Born: October 23
Died: 2005
Died: January 23
Actor
Host
Journalist
Magician
Military Officer
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Television Presenter
Writer
Corning
Iowa
John William Carson
Carson
The Great Carsoni
Lasts
Last
Downstairs
Doesn
Boss
Two
Fell
Take
Hated
Asked
Late
Hours

More quotes by Johnny Carson

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Egyptian President Sadat had a belly dancer entertain President Nixon at a state dinner. Mr. Nixon was really impressed. He hadn't seen contortions like that since Rose Mary Woods.
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When a comic becomes enamored with his own views and foists them off on the public in a polemic way, he loses not only his sense of humor but his value as a humorist.
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Democracy means that anyone can grow up to be president, and anyone who doesn't grow up can be vice president.
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As long as I don't commit any crimes, you have no right to judge me except by my performance as a professional. On that level, you're welcome to think whatever you want about me.
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I loved the towns I grew up in as a boy, and after I became a celebrity, I went back several times. I would have had the time of my life seeing the old places and the old faces again, but the attitude of those same people was, I guess you're so big we bore you now.
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I think it's almost immoral to keep on with a marriage that's really bad. It just gets more and more rotten and vindictive and everybody gets more and more hurt. There's not enough honesty about marriage, I think. I wish more people would face the truth about their marital situations.
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The closest thing to Roseanne Barr's singing the national anthem was my cat being neutered.
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The only thing money gives you is the freedom of not worrying about money.
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They say atomic rad-i-ation can hurt your reproductive organs. My answer is, so can a hockey stick. But we don't stop building them.
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Maybe we should hold the next [Olympic] games in Afghanistan and hope the Soviets pull out of that one too.
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The Hollywood tradition I like best is called sucking up to the stars.
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I wouldn't have the slightest interest in running for public office. I'd rather make jokes about politicians than become one of them.
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I feel the one sensible thing you can do is try to live in a way that pleases you. If you don't hurt anybody else, what you do is your own business.
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I owe one thing to my public - the best performance I can give.
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Whatever you do, you're going to be criticized.
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George Burns has been on my show twenty or thirty times, or maybe more. How can you turn down a guy that age?
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According to statistics, it's a lot easier to get hit by lightning than to win a Lotto jackpot. The good side: you don't hear from your relatives.
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Happiness is your dentist telling you it won't hurt and then having him catch his hand in the drill.
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He's so fat, he can be his own running mate.
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How much of the national news that you report to the public each night consists of information you've actually gone out and dug up on your own?
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