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I hated my last boss. He asked, Why are you two hours late? I said, I fell downstairs. He said, That doesn't take two hours.

Johnny Carson

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Johnny Carson
Age: 79 †
Born: 1925
Born: October 23
Died: 2005
Died: January 23
Actor
Host
Journalist
Magician
Military Officer
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Television Presenter
Writer
Corning
Iowa
John William Carson
Carson
The Great Carsoni
Two
Fell
Take
Hated
Asked
Late
Hours
Lasts
Last
Downstairs
Doesn
Boss

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An oxymoron? What's that? A moron who studies at Oxford?
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The closest thing to Roseanne Barr's singing the national anthem was my cat being neutered.
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Happiness is sitting down to watch some slides of your neighbor's vacation and finding out that he spent two weeks in a nudist colony.
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A two-pound turkey and a fifty-pound cranberry-that's Thanksgiving dinner at Three Mile Island.
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Only lie about the future.
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I loved the towns I grew up in as a boy, and after I became a celebrity, I went back several times. I would have had the time of my life seeing the old places and the old faces again, but the attitude of those same people was, I guess you're so big we bore you now.
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Never marry a girl named 'Marie' who used to be known as 'Murray'.
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What's all this fuss about plutonium? How can something named after a Disney character be dangerous?
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The only issue cash presents you is the independence of not stressing about funds.
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There are very few Japanese Jews. As a result, there is no Japanese word for Alan King.
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According to statistics, it's a lot easier to get hit by lightning than to win a Lotto jackpot. The good side: you don't hear from your relatives.
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Pittsburgh is kind of like Newark without the cultural advantages.
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I hear that whenever someone in the White House tells a lie, Nixon gets a royalty.
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In 1932, lame duck president Herbert Hoover was so desperate to remain in the White House that he dressed up as Eleanor Roosevelt. When FDR discovered the hoax in 1936, the two men decided to stay together for the sake of the children.
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Pie throwing is kind of a lost art, and although it may be a rather rudimentary, burlesque humor, there's something inherently funny about taking a pie in the face, under the right conditions.
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I don't think it's you that changes with success - it's the people around you who change. Because of your new status, they change in relation to you.
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As you all know by now, this is the 51st annual Academy Awards. Two hours of sparkling entertainment spread out over a four-hour show.
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As long as I don't commit any crimes, you have no right to judge me except by my performance as a professional. On that level, you're welcome to think whatever you want about me.
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I'm an entertainer, not a commentator. If you're a comedian your job is to make people laugh.
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People are hypocrites. If you ask them what they want to see on TV, they'll tell you they want better quality programming. And then what do they watch? 'Gilligan's Island.'
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