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The closest thing to Roseanne Barr's singing the national anthem was my cat being neutered.

Johnny Carson

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Johnny Carson
Age: 79 †
Born: 1925
Born: October 23
Died: 2005
Died: January 23
Actor
Host
Journalist
Magician
Military Officer
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Television Presenter
Writer
Corning
Iowa
John William Carson
Carson
The Great Carsoni
Singing
Thing
Barr
Neutered
Anthem
Closest
Cat
National

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Despite the fact that computer speeds are measured in nanoseconds and picoseconds - one billionth and one trillionth of a second, respectively - the smallest interval of time known to man is that which occurs in Manhattan between the traffic signal turning green and the taxi driver behind you blowing his horn.
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Egyptian President Sadat had a belly dancer entertain President Nixon at a state dinner. Mr. Nixon was really impressed. He hadn't seen contortions like that since Rose Mary Woods.
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He's so fat, he can be his own running mate.
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An oxymoron? What's that? A moron who studies at Oxford?
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When the public starts classifying you as thoughtful, someone given to serious issues, you find yourself declassified as a humorist.
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The vast majority of us don't want to face the fact that we're in the middle of a sweeping social revolution. In sex. In spiritual values. In opposition to wars no one wants. In opposition to government big-brotherhood. In civil rights. In basic human goals. They're all facets of a general upheaval.
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George Burns has been on my show twenty or thirty times, or maybe more. How can you turn down a guy that age?
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The only issue cash presents you is the independence of not stressing about funds.
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Happiness is discovering the prune juice your doctor ordered you to drink has fermented.
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My success just evolved from working hard at the business at hand each day.
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They say atomic rad-i-ation can hurt your reproductive organs. My answer is, so can a hockey stick. But we don't stop building them.
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I feel the one sensible thing you can do is try to live in a way that pleases you. If you don't hurt anybody else, what you do is your own business.
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The Hollywood tradition I like best is called sucking up to the stars.
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We resort, frankly, to pies, which is a comedy staple that's gone back, I guess, to since the first pie was ever baked.
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Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place.
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I'm an entertainer I try to give the public what it wants while I'm on the screen, and I'm completely sincere about it. If I don't happen to be a laughing boy off the screen, that doesn't make me a hypocrite or a phony.
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I know a guy who gave up smoking cigarettes, consuming, sex, and wealthy meals.
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The only thing money gives you is the freedom of not worrying about money.
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What's all this fuss about plutonium? How can something named after a Disney character be dangerous?
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Never marry a girl named 'Marie' who used to be known as 'Murray'.
Johnny Carson