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The closest thing to Roseanne Barr's singing the national anthem was my cat being neutered.

Johnny Carson

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Johnny Carson
Age: 79 †
Born: 1925
Born: October 23
Died: 2005
Died: January 23
Actor
Host
Journalist
Magician
Military Officer
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Television Presenter
Writer
Corning
Iowa
John William Carson
Carson
The Great Carsoni
Barr
Neutered
Anthem
Closest
Cat
National
Singing
Thing

More quotes by Johnny Carson

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Adults ask questions as a child does. When you stop wondering, you might as well put your rocker on the front porch and call it a day.
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Pittsburgh is kind of like Newark without the cultural advantages.
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Democracy is buying a big house you can't afford with money you don't have to impress people you wish were dead.
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Happiness is your dentist telling you it won't hurt and then having him catch his hand in the drill.
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Democracy means that anyone can grow up to be president, and anyone who doesn't grow up can be vice president.
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If it weren't for Philo T. Farnsworth, inventor of television, we'd still be eating frozen radio dinners.
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When the public starts classifying you as thoughtful, someone given to serious issues, you find yourself declassified as a humorist.
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A two-pound turkey and a fifty-pound cranberry-that's Thanksgiving dinner at Three Mile Island.
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May you have the income of a Republican and the sex life of a Democrat!
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It's the lack of this kind of open and honest education about sex that causes so many kids to grow up with sexual hang-ups.
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My success just evolved from working hard at the business at hand each day.
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They say atomic rad-i-ation can hurt your reproductive organs. My answer is, so can a hockey stick. But we don't stop building them.
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I would like to say, for the record, that I am in favor of using more American Indians and other minorities in motion pictures, I am against polluting the oceans of the world, I am for every nationality having its own homeland, I am against whacking baby seals on the head, and I am for saving the whales.
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An oxymoron? What's that? A moron who studies at Oxford?
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I feel the one sensible thing you can do is try to live in a way that pleases you. If you don't hurt anybody else, what you do is your own business.
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I'm an entertainer I try to give the public what it wants while I'm on the screen, and I'm completely sincere about it. If I don't happen to be a laughing boy off the screen, that doesn't make me a hypocrite or a phony.
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In 1932, lame duck president Herbert Hoover was so desperate to remain in the White House that he dressed up as Eleanor Roosevelt. When FDR discovered the hoax in 1936, the two men decided to stay together for the sake of the children.
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People are hypocrites. If you ask them what they want to see on TV, they'll tell you they want better quality programming. And then what do they watch? 'Gilligan's Island.'
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The vast majority of us don't want to face the fact that we're in the middle of a sweeping social revolution. In sex. In spiritual values. In opposition to wars no one wants. In opposition to government big-brotherhood. In civil rights. In basic human goals. They're all facets of a general upheaval.
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Maybe we should hold the next [Olympic] games in Afghanistan and hope the Soviets pull out of that one too.
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