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The closest thing to Roseanne Barr's singing the national anthem was my cat being neutered.

Johnny Carson

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Johnny Carson
Age: 79 †
Born: 1925
Born: October 23
Died: 2005
Died: January 23
Actor
Host
Journalist
Magician
Military Officer
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Television Presenter
Writer
Corning
Iowa
John William Carson
Carson
The Great Carsoni
Cat
National
Singing
Thing
Barr
Neutered
Anthem
Closest

More quotes by Johnny Carson

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The Hollywood tradition I like best is called sucking up to the stars.
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I can empathize with President [George Bush]. I know what it feels like having a young guy waiting around for you to keel over.
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Egyptian President Sadat had a belly dancer entertain President Nixon at a state dinner. Mr. Nixon was really impressed. He hadn't seen contortions like that since Rose Mary Woods.
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Democracy is buying a big house you can't afford with money you don't have to impress people you wish were dead.
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He's so fat, he can be his own running mate.
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Never continue in a job you don't enjoy. If you're happy in what you're doing, you'll like yourself, you'll have inner peace. And if you have that, along with physical health, you will have had more success than you could possibly have imagined.
Johnny Carson
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If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.
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An oxymoron? What's that? A moron who studies at Oxford?
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What's all this fuss about plutonium? How can something named after a Disney character be dangerous?
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I don't think it's you that changes with success - it's the people around you who change. Because of your new status, they change in relation to you.
Johnny Carson
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I hear that whenever someone in the White House tells a lie, Nixon gets a royalty.
Johnny Carson
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I have an ego like anybody else, but I don't need to be stoked by going before the public all the time.
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Democracy means that anyone can grow up to be president, and anyone who doesn't grow up can be vice president.
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There's only one critic whose opinion I really value, in the final analysis: Johnny Carson. I have never needed any entourage standing around bolstering my ego. I'm secure. I know exactly who and what I am. I don't need to be told. I make no apologies for being the way I am.
Johnny Carson
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There's a big difference between being a loner and being lonely. I'm far from lonely. My day is full of things I enjoy, starting with my show. Any time my work is going well and I have a relationship with a woman that's pretty solid, that does it for me.
Johnny Carson
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Money gives me just one big thing that's really important, and that's the freedom of not having to worry about money.
Johnny Carson
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I demand my right to a private life, just as I respect that right for everybody else.
Johnny Carson
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Happiness is seeing the muscular lifeguard all the girls were admiring leave the beach hand in hand with another muscular lifeguard.
Johnny Carson
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Happiness is discovering the prune juice your doctor ordered you to drink has fermented.
Johnny Carson
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Pie throwing is kind of a lost art, and although it may be a rather rudimentary, burlesque humor, there's something inherently funny about taking a pie in the face, under the right conditions.
Johnny Carson