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The closest thing to Roseanne Barr's singing the national anthem was my cat being neutered.

Johnny Carson

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Johnny Carson
Age: 79 †
Born: 1925
Born: October 23
Died: 2005
Died: January 23
Actor
Host
Journalist
Magician
Military Officer
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Television Presenter
Writer
Corning
Iowa
John William Carson
Carson
The Great Carsoni
Anthem
Closest
Cat
National
Singing
Thing
Barr
Neutered

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I think students ought to have the right to protest, but not to the point of anarchy.
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Pie throwing is kind of a lost art, and although it may be a rather rudimentary, burlesque humor, there's something inherently funny about taking a pie in the face, under the right conditions.
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The Hollywood tradition I like best is called sucking up to the stars.
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Adults ask questions as a child does. When you stop wondering, you might as well put your rocker on the front porch and call it a day.
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Despite the fact that computer speeds are measured in nanoseconds and picoseconds - one billionth and one trillionth of a second, respectively - the smallest interval of time known to man is that which occurs in Manhattan between the traffic signal turning green and the taxi driver behind you blowing his horn.
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Happiness is discovering the prune juice your doctor ordered you to drink has fermented.
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How much of the national news that you report to the public each night consists of information you've actually gone out and dug up on your own?
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Thanksgiving is an emotional holiday. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they only see once a year. And then discover once a year is way too often.
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An oxymoron? What's that? A moron who studies at Oxford?
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Some sad news from Australia... the inventor of the boomerang grenade died today.
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I don't think it's you that changes with success - it's the people around you who change. Because of your new status, they change in relation to you.
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Never ask your wife if she still hears from her old pimp.
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Democracy means free television, not good television, but free.
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The vast majority of us don't want to face the fact that we're in the middle of a sweeping social revolution. In sex. In spiritual values. In opposition to wars no one wants. In opposition to government big-brotherhood. In civil rights. In basic human goals. They're all facets of a general upheaval.
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I am one of the lucky people in the world I found something I always wanted to do, and I have enjoyed every single minute of it.
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The only thing money gives you is the freedom of not worrying about money.
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I hated my last boss. He asked, Why are you two hours late? I said, I fell downstairs. He said, That doesn't take two hours.
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The only issue cash presents you is the independence of not stressing about funds.
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If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.
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If variety is the spice of life, marriage is the big can of leftover Spam.
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