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Democracy is buying a big house you can't afford with money you don't have to impress people you wish were dead.

Johnny Carson

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Johnny Carson
Age: 79 †
Born: 1925
Born: October 23
Died: 2005
Died: January 23
Actor
Host
Journalist
Magician
Military Officer
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Television Presenter
Writer
Corning
Iowa
John William Carson
Carson
The Great Carsoni
House
Money
Impress
People
Afford
Buying
Dead
Democracy
Bigs
Wish

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There are very few Japanese Jews. As a result, there is no Japanese word for Alan King.
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I'm an entertainer I try to give the public what it wants while I'm on the screen, and I'm completely sincere about it. If I don't happen to be a laughing boy off the screen, that doesn't make me a hypocrite or a phony.
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Democracy means that anyone can grow up to be president, and anyone who doesn't grow up can be vice president.
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People will pay more to be entertained than educated.
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Happiness is sitting down to watch some slides of your neighbor's vacation and finding out that he spent two weeks in a nudist colony.
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I loved the towns I grew up in as a boy, and after I became a celebrity, I went back several times. I would have had the time of my life seeing the old places and the old faces again, but the attitude of those same people was, I guess you're so big we bore you now.
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Happiness is discovering the prune juice your doctor ordered you to drink has fermented.
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I am one of the lucky people in the world I found something I always wanted to do, and I have enjoyed every single minute of it.
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People are hypocrites. If you ask them what they want to see on TV, they'll tell you they want better quality programming. And then what do they watch? 'Gilligan's Island.'
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I get sick of that old rationalization, We're staying together because of the children. Kids couldn't be more miserable living with parents who can't stand each other. They're far better off if there's an honest, clean divorce.
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Do you know my dream? I really want to become an aluminum-siding salesman.
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I wouldn't have the slightest interest in running for public office. I'd rather make jokes about politicians than become one of them.
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Never marry a girl named 'Marie' who used to be known as 'Murray'.
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The worst gift is a fruitcake. There is only one fruitcake in the entire world, and people keep sending it to each other.
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Democracy is welcoming people from other lands, and giving them something to hold onto. Usually a mop or a leaf blower.
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The closest thing to Roseanne Barr's singing the national anthem was my cat being neutered.
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There's only one critic whose opinion I really value, in the final analysis: Johnny Carson. I have never needed any entourage standing around bolstering my ego. I'm secure. I know exactly who and what I am. I don't need to be told. I make no apologies for being the way I am.
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Money gives me just one big thing that's really important, and that's the freedom of not having to worry about money.
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If you're happy in what you're doing, you'll like yourself, you'll have inner peace.
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What's all this fuss about plutonium? How can something named after a Disney character be dangerous?
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