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Democracy is buying a big house you can't afford with money you don't have to impress people you wish were dead.

Johnny Carson

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Johnny Carson
Age: 79 †
Born: 1925
Born: October 23
Died: 2005
Died: January 23
Actor
Host
Journalist
Magician
Military Officer
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Television Presenter
Writer
Corning
Iowa
John William Carson
Carson
The Great Carsoni
Dead
Democracy
Bigs
Wish
House
Money
Impress
People
Afford
Buying

More quotes by Johnny Carson

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I get sick of that old rationalization, We're staying together because of the children. Kids couldn't be more miserable living with parents who can't stand each other. They're far better off if there's an honest, clean divorce.
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Happiness is a tiger in your tank and a pussycat in your back seat.
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Money gives me just one big thing that's really important, and that's the freedom of not having to worry about money.
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A two-pound turkey and a fifty-pound cranberry-that's Thanksgiving dinner at Three Mile Island.
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Egyptian President Sadat had a belly dancer entertain President Nixon at a state dinner. Mr. Nixon was really impressed. He hadn't seen contortions like that since Rose Mary Woods.
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Do you know my dream? I really want to become an aluminum-siding salesman.
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Pittsburgh is kind of like Newark without the cultural advantages.
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Adults ask questions as a child does. When you stop wondering, you might as well put your rocker on the front porch and call it a day.
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Maybe we should hold the next [Olympic] games in Afghanistan and hope the Soviets pull out of that one too.
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I feel the one sensible thing you can do is try to live in a way that pleases you. If you don't hurt anybody else, what you do is your own business.
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The only thing money gives you is the freedom of not worrying about money.
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In 1932, lame duck president Herbert Hoover was so desperate to remain in the White House that he dressed up as Eleanor Roosevelt. When FDR discovered the hoax in 1936, the two men decided to stay together for the sake of the children.
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If variety is the spice of life, marriage is the big can of leftover Spam.
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I know a guy who gave up smoking cigarettes, consuming, sex, and wealthy meals.
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Happiness is seeing your son drafted the same day he's been accepted to an expensive college.
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Never ask your wife if she still hears from her old pimp.
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I loved the towns I grew up in as a boy, and after I became a celebrity, I went back several times. I would have had the time of my life seeing the old places and the old faces again, but the attitude of those same people was, I guess you're so big we bore you now.
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There's only one critic whose opinion I really value, in the final analysis: Johnny Carson. I have never needed any entourage standing around bolstering my ego. I'm secure. I know exactly who and what I am. I don't need to be told. I make no apologies for being the way I am.
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Only lie about the future.
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I can empathize with President [George Bush]. I know what it feels like having a young guy waiting around for you to keel over.
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