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Never ask your wife if she still hears from her old pimp.
Johnny Carson
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Johnny Carson
Age: 79 †
Born: 1925
Born: October 23
Died: 2005
Died: January 23
Actor
Host
Journalist
Magician
Military Officer
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Television Presenter
Writer
Corning
Iowa
John William Carson
Carson
The Great Carsoni
Pimp
Hears
Wife
Asks
Stills
Still
Never
More quotes by Johnny Carson
There are very few Japanese Jews. As a result, there is no Japanese word for Alan King.
Johnny Carson
The closest thing to Roseanne Barr's singing the national anthem was my cat being neutered.
Johnny Carson
I hear that whenever someone in the White House tells a lie, Nixon gets a royalty.
Johnny Carson
I'm an entertainer I try to give the public what it wants while I'm on the screen, and I'm completely sincere about it. If I don't happen to be a laughing boy off the screen, that doesn't make me a hypocrite or a phony.
Johnny Carson
I have an ego like anybody else, but I don't need to be stoked by going before the public all the time.
Johnny Carson
For days after death hair and fingernails continue to grow, but phone calls taper off.
Johnny Carson
The worst gift is a fruitcake. There is only one fruitcake in the entire world, and people keep sending it to each other.
Johnny Carson
Democracy is buying a big house you can't afford with money you don't have to impress people you wish were dead.
Johnny Carson
We resort, frankly, to pies, which is a comedy staple that's gone back, I guess, to since the first pie was ever baked.
Johnny Carson
If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.
Johnny Carson
When a comic becomes enamored with his own views and foists them off on the public in a polemic way, he loses not only his sense of humor but his value as a humorist.
Johnny Carson
If it weren't for Philo T. Farnsworth, inventor of television, we'd still be eating frozen radio dinners.
Johnny Carson
He's so fat, he can be his own running mate.
Johnny Carson
When the public starts classifying you as thoughtful, someone given to serious issues, you find yourself declassified as a humorist.
Johnny Carson
Money gives me just one big thing that's really important, and that's the freedom of not having to worry about money.
Johnny Carson
Happiness is your dentist telling you it won't hurt and then having him catch his hand in the drill.
Johnny Carson
My success just evolved from working hard at the business at hand each day.
Johnny Carson
According to statistics, it's a lot easier to get hit by lightning than to win a Lotto jackpot. The good side: you don't hear from your relatives.
Johnny Carson
Happiness is discovering the prune juice your doctor ordered you to drink has fermented.
Johnny Carson
Thanksgiving is an emotional holiday. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they only see once a year. And then discover once a year is way too often.
Johnny Carson
