Quote

Never ask your wife if she still hears from her old pimp.

Johnny Carson

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Johnny Carson
Age: 79 †
Born: 1925
Born: October 23
Died: 2005
Died: January 23
Actor
Host
Journalist
Magician
Military Officer
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Television Presenter
Writer
Corning
Iowa
John William Carson
Carson
The Great Carsoni
Wife
Asks
Stills
Still
Never
Pimp
Hears

More quotes by Johnny Carson

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The Hollywood tradition I like best is called sucking up to the stars.
Johnny Carson
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Happiness is being served with a paternity suit on your 75th birthday.
Johnny Carson
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Despite the fact that computer speeds are measured in nanoseconds and picoseconds - one billionth and one trillionth of a second, respectively - the smallest interval of time known to man is that which occurs in Manhattan between the traffic signal turning green and the taxi driver behind you blowing his horn.
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Some sad news from Australia... the inventor of the boomerang grenade died today.
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Happiness is your dentist telling you it won't hurt and then having him catch his hand in the drill.
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The closest thing to Roseanne Barr's singing the national anthem was my cat being neutered.
Johnny Carson
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As you all know by now, this is the 51st annual Academy Awards. Two hours of sparkling entertainment spread out over a four-hour show.
Johnny Carson
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I loved the towns I grew up in as a boy, and after I became a celebrity, I went back several times. I would have had the time of my life seeing the old places and the old faces again, but the attitude of those same people was, I guess you're so big we bore you now.
Johnny Carson
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If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.
Johnny Carson
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Happiness is seeing your son drafted the same day he's been accepted to an expensive college.
Johnny Carson
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The worst gift is a fruitcake. There is only one fruitcake in the entire world, and people keep sending it to each other.
Johnny Carson
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A two-pound turkey and a fifty-pound cranberry-that's Thanksgiving dinner at Three Mile Island.
Johnny Carson
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Adults ask questions as a child does. When you stop wondering, you might as well put your rocker on the front porch and call it a day.
Johnny Carson
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There are very few Japanese Jews. As a result, there is no Japanese word for Alan King.
Johnny Carson
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According to statistics, it's a lot easier to get hit by lightning than to win a Lotto jackpot. The good side: you don't hear from your relatives.
Johnny Carson
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Do you know my dream? I really want to become an aluminum-siding salesman.
Johnny Carson
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Money gives me just one big thing that's really important, and that's the freedom of not having to worry about money.
Johnny Carson
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Happiness is seeing the muscular lifeguard all the girls were admiring leave the beach hand in hand with another muscular lifeguard.
Johnny Carson
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The Champagne they have stored is getting more valuable every year.
Johnny Carson
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I can empathize with President [George Bush]. I know what it feels like having a young guy waiting around for you to keel over.
Johnny Carson