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Never ask your wife if she still hears from her old pimp.
Johnny Carson
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Johnny Carson
Age: 79 †
Born: 1925
Born: October 23
Died: 2005
Died: January 23
Actor
Host
Journalist
Magician
Military Officer
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Television Presenter
Writer
Corning
Iowa
John William Carson
Carson
The Great Carsoni
Hears
Wife
Asks
Stills
Still
Never
Pimp
More quotes by Johnny Carson
The only issue cash presents you is the independence of not stressing about funds.
Johnny Carson
Never continue in a job you don't enjoy. If you're happy in what you're doing, you'll like yourself, you'll have inner peace. And if you have that, along with physical health, you will have had more success than you could possibly have imagined.
Johnny Carson
If you're happy in what you're doing, you'll like yourself, you'll have inner peace.
Johnny Carson
Happiness is seeing the muscular lifeguard all the girls were admiring leave the beach hand in hand with another muscular lifeguard.
Johnny Carson
Happiness is discovering the prune juice your doctor ordered you to drink has fermented.
Johnny Carson
How much of the national news that you report to the public each night consists of information you've actually gone out and dug up on your own?
Johnny Carson
People are hypocrites. If you ask them what they want to see on TV, they'll tell you they want better quality programming. And then what do they watch? 'Gilligan's Island.'
Johnny Carson
I would like to say, for the record, that I am in favor of using more American Indians and other minorities in motion pictures, I am against polluting the oceans of the world, I am for every nationality having its own homeland, I am against whacking baby seals on the head, and I am for saving the whales.
Johnny Carson
I am one of the lucky people in the world I found something I always wanted to do, and I have enjoyed every single minute of it.
Johnny Carson
I loved the towns I grew up in as a boy, and after I became a celebrity, I went back several times. I would have had the time of my life seeing the old places and the old faces again, but the attitude of those same people was, I guess you're so big we bore you now.
Johnny Carson
I hear that whenever someone in the White House tells a lie, Nixon gets a royalty.
Johnny Carson
Despite the fact that computer speeds are measured in nanoseconds and picoseconds - one billionth and one trillionth of a second, respectively - the smallest interval of time known to man is that which occurs in Manhattan between the traffic signal turning green and the taxi driver behind you blowing his horn.
Johnny Carson
When a comic becomes enamored with his own views and foists them off on the public in a polemic way, he loses not only his sense of humor but his value as a humorist.
Johnny Carson
Adults ask questions as a child does. When you stop wondering, you might as well put your rocker on the front porch and call it a day.
Johnny Carson
It's the lack of this kind of open and honest education about sex that causes so many kids to grow up with sexual hang-ups.
Johnny Carson
What's all this fuss about plutonium? How can something named after a Disney character be dangerous?
Johnny Carson
Entertainment is like any other major industry it's cold, big business. The business end wants to know one thing: Can you do the job? If you can, you're in, you're made if you can't, you're out.
Johnny Carson
Egyptian President Sadat had a belly dancer entertain President Nixon at a state dinner. Mr. Nixon was really impressed. He hadn't seen contortions like that since Rose Mary Woods.
Johnny Carson
The Champagne they have stored is getting more valuable every year.
Johnny Carson
Thanksgiving is an emotional holiday. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they only see once a year. And then discover once a year is way too often.
Johnny Carson
