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Democracy is welcoming people from other lands, and giving them something to hold onto. Usually a mop or a leaf blower.
Johnny Carson
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Johnny Carson
Age: 79 †
Born: 1925
Born: October 23
Died: 2005
Died: January 23
Actor
Host
Journalist
Magician
Military Officer
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Television Presenter
Writer
Corning
Iowa
John William Carson
Carson
The Great Carsoni
Hold
Blower
Democracy
Welcoming
Land
Leafs
Giving
Leaf
Something
Lands
People
Onto
Welcome
Usually
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When the public starts classifying you as thoughtful, someone given to serious issues, you find yourself declassified as a humorist.
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The Champagne they have stored is getting more valuable every year.
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The vast majority of us don't want to face the fact that we're in the middle of a sweeping social revolution. In sex. In spiritual values. In opposition to wars no one wants. In opposition to government big-brotherhood. In civil rights. In basic human goals. They're all facets of a general upheaval.
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A two-pound turkey and a fifty-pound cranberry-that's Thanksgiving dinner at Three Mile Island.
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Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place.
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Never marry a girl named 'Marie' who used to be known as 'Murray'.
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I demand my right to a private life, just as I respect that right for everybody else.
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Whatever you do, you're going to be criticized.
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Despite the fact that computer speeds are measured in nanoseconds and picoseconds - one billionth and one trillionth of a second, respectively - the smallest interval of time known to man is that which occurs in Manhattan between the traffic signal turning green and the taxi driver behind you blowing his horn.
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The only thing money gives you is the freedom of not worrying about money.
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Never continue in a job you don't enjoy. If you're happy in what you're doing, you'll like yourself, you'll have inner peace. And if you have that, along with physical health, you will have had more success than you could possibly have imagined.
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Egyptian President Sadat had a belly dancer entertain President Nixon at a state dinner. Mr. Nixon was really impressed. He hadn't seen contortions like that since Rose Mary Woods.
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Believe me, you don't walk away from the kind of money you make with a daily television show. You might get awful tired of it sometimes, but take a second look at the check and you get less tired right away.
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Happiness is seeing your son drafted the same day he's been accepted to an expensive college.
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I'm an entertainer, not a commentator. If you're a comedian your job is to make people laugh.
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Pittsburgh is kind of like Newark without the cultural advantages.
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In 1932, lame duck president Herbert Hoover was so desperate to remain in the White House that he dressed up as Eleanor Roosevelt. When FDR discovered the hoax in 1936, the two men decided to stay together for the sake of the children.
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I know a guy who gave up smoking cigarettes, consuming, sex, and wealthy meals.
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I hated my last boss. He asked, Why are you two hours late? I said, I fell downstairs. He said, That doesn't take two hours.
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I wouldn't have the slightest interest in running for public office. I'd rather make jokes about politicians than become one of them.
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