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According to statistics, it's a lot easier to get hit by lightning than to win a Lotto jackpot. The good side: you don't hear from your relatives.

Johnny Carson

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Johnny Carson
Age: 79 †
Born: 1925
Born: October 23
Died: 2005
Died: January 23
Actor
Host
Journalist
Magician
Military Officer
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Television Presenter
Writer
Corning
Iowa
John William Carson
Carson
The Great Carsoni
Good
Lightning
Statistics
According
Easier
Side
Hear
Lotto
Sides
Jackpot
Winning
Relatives

More quotes by Johnny Carson

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In 1932, lame duck president Herbert Hoover was so desperate to remain in the White House that he dressed up as Eleanor Roosevelt. When FDR discovered the hoax in 1936, the two men decided to stay together for the sake of the children.
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If variety is the spice of life, marriage is the big can of leftover Spam.
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Pie throwing is kind of a lost art, and although it may be a rather rudimentary, burlesque humor, there's something inherently funny about taking a pie in the face, under the right conditions.
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Egyptian President Sadat had a belly dancer entertain President Nixon at a state dinner. Mr. Nixon was really impressed. He hadn't seen contortions like that since Rose Mary Woods.
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The Hollywood tradition I like best is called sucking up to the stars.
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I can empathize with President [George Bush]. I know what it feels like having a young guy waiting around for you to keel over.
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When a comic becomes enamored with his own views and foists them off on the public in a polemic way, he loses not only his sense of humor but his value as a humorist.
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We resort, frankly, to pies, which is a comedy staple that's gone back, I guess, to since the first pie was ever baked.
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What's all this fuss about plutonium? How can something named after a Disney character be dangerous?
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I would like to say, for the record, that I am in favor of using more American Indians and other minorities in motion pictures, I am against polluting the oceans of the world, I am for every nationality having its own homeland, I am against whacking baby seals on the head, and I am for saving the whales.
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If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.
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You become successful, the way I see it, only if you're good enough to deliver what the public enjoys. If you're not, you won't have any audience so the performer really has more to do with his success than the public does.
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I get sick of that old rationalization, We're staying together because of the children. Kids couldn't be more miserable living with parents who can't stand each other. They're far better off if there's an honest, clean divorce.
Johnny Carson
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He's so fat, he can be his own running mate.
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There are very few Japanese Jews. As a result, there is no Japanese word for Alan King.
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May you have the income of a Republican and the sex life of a Democrat!
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Democracy is welcoming people from other lands, and giving them something to hold onto. Usually a mop or a leaf blower.
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Happiness is a tiger in your tank and a pussycat in your back seat.
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Happiness is your dentist telling you it won't hurt and then having him catch his hand in the drill.
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Money gives me just one big thing that's really important, and that's the freedom of not having to worry about money.
Johnny Carson