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According to statistics, it's a lot easier to get hit by lightning than to win a Lotto jackpot. The good side: you don't hear from your relatives.

Johnny Carson

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Johnny Carson
Age: 79 †
Born: 1925
Born: October 23
Died: 2005
Died: January 23
Actor
Host
Journalist
Magician
Military Officer
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Television Presenter
Writer
Corning
Iowa
John William Carson
Carson
The Great Carsoni
Side
Hear
Lotto
Sides
Jackpot
Winning
Relatives
Good
Lightning
Statistics
According
Easier

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It's the lack of this kind of open and honest education about sex that causes so many kids to grow up with sexual hang-ups.
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Whatever you do, you're going to be criticized.
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The only thing money gives you is the freedom of not worrying about money.
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When the public starts classifying you as thoughtful, someone given to serious issues, you find yourself declassified as a humorist.
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They say atomic rad-i-ation can hurt your reproductive organs. My answer is, so can a hockey stick. But we don't stop building them.
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Democracy means free television, not good television, but free.
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As you all know by now, this is the 51st annual Academy Awards. Two hours of sparkling entertainment spread out over a four-hour show.
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Pie throwing is kind of a lost art, and although it may be a rather rudimentary, burlesque humor, there's something inherently funny about taking a pie in the face, under the right conditions.
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I would like to say, for the record, that I am in favor of using more American Indians and other minorities in motion pictures, I am against polluting the oceans of the world, I am for every nationality having its own homeland, I am against whacking baby seals on the head, and I am for saving the whales.
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I loved the towns I grew up in as a boy, and after I became a celebrity, I went back several times. I would have had the time of my life seeing the old places and the old faces again, but the attitude of those same people was, I guess you're so big we bore you now.
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Never use a big word when a little filthy one will do.
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Some sad news from Australia... the inventor of the boomerang grenade died today.
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I have an ego like anybody else, but I don't need to be stoked by going before the public all the time.
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The closest thing to Roseanne Barr's singing the national anthem was my cat being neutered.
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May you have the income of a Republican and the sex life of a Democrat!
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If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.
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I'm an entertainer I try to give the public what it wants while I'm on the screen, and I'm completely sincere about it. If I don't happen to be a laughing boy off the screen, that doesn't make me a hypocrite or a phony.
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Happiness is a tiger in your tank and a pussycat in your back seat.
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Pittsburgh is kind of like Newark without the cultural advantages.
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The worst gift is a fruitcake. There is only one fruitcake in the entire world, and people keep sending it to each other.
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