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As long as I don't commit any crimes, you have no right to judge me except by my performance as a professional. On that level, you're welcome to think whatever you want about me.

Johnny Carson

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Johnny Carson
Age: 79 †
Born: 1925
Born: October 23
Died: 2005
Died: January 23
Actor
Host
Journalist
Magician
Military Officer
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Television Presenter
Writer
Corning
Iowa
John William Carson
Carson
The Great Carsoni
Think
Judging
Thinking
Except
Crimes
Crime
Professional
Level
Performance
Levels
Welcome
Whatever
Commit
Right
Judge
Long
Performances

More quotes by Johnny Carson

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Money gives me just one big thing that's really important, and that's the freedom of not having to worry about money.
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Democracy is buying a big house you can't afford with money you don't have to impress people you wish were dead.
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Happiness is discovering the prune juice your doctor ordered you to drink has fermented.
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How much of the national news that you report to the public each night consists of information you've actually gone out and dug up on your own?
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Never use a big word when a little filthy one will do.
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We resort, frankly, to pies, which is a comedy staple that's gone back, I guess, to since the first pie was ever baked.
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The only issue cash presents you is the independence of not stressing about funds.
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Happiness is seeing your son drafted the same day he's been accepted to an expensive college.
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Happiness is a tiger in your tank and a pussycat in your back seat.
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When a comic becomes enamored with his own views and foists them off on the public in a polemic way, he loses not only his sense of humor but his value as a humorist.
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I hated my last boss. He asked, Why are you two hours late? I said, I fell downstairs. He said, That doesn't take two hours.
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I can empathize with President [George Bush]. I know what it feels like having a young guy waiting around for you to keel over.
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Happiness is seeing the muscular lifeguard all the girls were admiring leave the beach hand in hand with another muscular lifeguard.
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What's all this fuss about plutonium? How can something named after a Disney character be dangerous?
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Despite the fact that computer speeds are measured in nanoseconds and picoseconds - one billionth and one trillionth of a second, respectively - the smallest interval of time known to man is that which occurs in Manhattan between the traffic signal turning green and the taxi driver behind you blowing his horn.
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I owe one thing to my public - the best performance I can give.
Johnny Carson
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The only thing money gives you is the freedom of not worrying about money.
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Believe me, you don't walk away from the kind of money you make with a daily television show. You might get awful tired of it sometimes, but take a second look at the check and you get less tired right away.
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A two-pound turkey and a fifty-pound cranberry-that's Thanksgiving dinner at Three Mile Island.
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Happiness is your dentist telling you it won't hurt and then having him catch his hand in the drill.
Johnny Carson