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As long as I don't commit any crimes, you have no right to judge me except by my performance as a professional. On that level, you're welcome to think whatever you want about me.

Johnny Carson

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Johnny Carson
Age: 79 †
Born: 1925
Born: October 23
Died: 2005
Died: January 23
Actor
Host
Journalist
Magician
Military Officer
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Television Presenter
Writer
Corning
Iowa
John William Carson
Carson
The Great Carsoni
Right
Judge
Long
Performances
Think
Judging
Thinking
Except
Crimes
Crime
Professional
Level
Performance
Levels
Welcome
Whatever
Commit

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Never ask your wife if she still hears from her old pimp.
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If variety is the spice of life, marriage is the big can of leftover Spam.
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I hated my last boss. He asked, Why are you two hours late? I said, I fell downstairs. He said, That doesn't take two hours.
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Entertainment is like any other major industry it's cold, big business. The business end wants to know one thing: Can you do the job? If you can, you're in, you're made if you can't, you're out.
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When the public starts classifying you as thoughtful, someone given to serious issues, you find yourself declassified as a humorist.
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If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.
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The closest thing to Roseanne Barr's singing the national anthem was my cat being neutered.
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There's a big difference between being a loner and being lonely. I'm far from lonely. My day is full of things I enjoy, starting with my show. Any time my work is going well and I have a relationship with a woman that's pretty solid, that does it for me.
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An oxymoron? What's that? A moron who studies at Oxford?
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I owe one thing to my public - the best performance I can give.
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The only issue cash presents you is the independence of not stressing about funds.
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There's only one critic whose opinion I really value, in the final analysis: Johnny Carson. I have never needed any entourage standing around bolstering my ego. I'm secure. I know exactly who and what I am. I don't need to be told. I make no apologies for being the way I am.
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Money gives me just one big thing that's really important, and that's the freedom of not having to worry about money.
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Happiness is a tiger in your tank and a pussycat in your back seat.
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The only thing money gives you is the freedom of not worrying about money.
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I wouldn't have the slightest interest in running for public office. I'd rather make jokes about politicians than become one of them.
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He's so fat, he can be his own running mate.
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The Hollywood tradition I like best is called sucking up to the stars.
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Never continue in a job you don't enjoy. If you're happy in what you're doing, you'll like yourself, you'll have inner peace. And if you have that, along with physical health, you will have had more success than you could possibly have imagined.
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Happiness is sitting down to watch some slides of your neighbor's vacation and finding out that he spent two weeks in a nudist colony.
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