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I get sick of that old rationalization, We're staying together because of the children. Kids couldn't be more miserable living with parents who can't stand each other. They're far better off if there's an honest, clean divorce.

Johnny Carson

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Johnny Carson
Age: 79 †
Born: 1925
Born: October 23
Died: 2005
Died: January 23
Actor
Host
Journalist
Magician
Military Officer
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Television Presenter
Writer
Corning
Iowa
John William Carson
Carson
The Great Carsoni
Honest
Rationalization
Stand
Divorce
Parent
Staying
Living
Miserable
Kids
Clean
Together
Sick
Better
Couldn
Children
Parents

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May you have the income of a Republican and the sex life of a Democrat!
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Adults ask questions as a child does. When you stop wondering, you might as well put your rocker on the front porch and call it a day.
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If variety is the spice of life, marriage is the big can of leftover Spam.
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I'm an entertainer, not a commentator. If you're a comedian your job is to make people laugh.
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The vast majority of us don't want to face the fact that we're in the middle of a sweeping social revolution. In sex. In spiritual values. In opposition to wars no one wants. In opposition to government big-brotherhood. In civil rights. In basic human goals. They're all facets of a general upheaval.
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Pittsburgh is kind of like Newark without the cultural advantages.
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Believe me, you don't walk away from the kind of money you make with a daily television show. You might get awful tired of it sometimes, but take a second look at the check and you get less tired right away.
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People are hypocrites. If you ask them what they want to see on TV, they'll tell you they want better quality programming. And then what do they watch? 'Gilligan's Island.'
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Happiness is seeing the muscular lifeguard all the girls were admiring leave the beach hand in hand with another muscular lifeguard.
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The closest thing to Roseanne Barr's singing the national anthem was my cat being neutered.
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People will pay more to be entertained than educated.
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Democracy is buying a big house you can't afford with money you don't have to impress people you wish were dead.
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As you all know by now, this is the 51st annual Academy Awards. Two hours of sparkling entertainment spread out over a four-hour show.
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For days after death hair and fingernails continue to grow, but phone calls taper off.
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I think it's almost immoral to keep on with a marriage that's really bad. It just gets more and more rotten and vindictive and everybody gets more and more hurt. There's not enough honesty about marriage, I think. I wish more people would face the truth about their marital situations.
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The Hollywood tradition I like best is called sucking up to the stars.
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It's the lack of this kind of open and honest education about sex that causes so many kids to grow up with sexual hang-ups.
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The worst gift is a fruitcake. There is only one fruitcake in the entire world, and people keep sending it to each other.
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In 1932, lame duck president Herbert Hoover was so desperate to remain in the White House that he dressed up as Eleanor Roosevelt. When FDR discovered the hoax in 1936, the two men decided to stay together for the sake of the children.
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Happiness is your dentist telling you it won't hurt and then having him catch his hand in the drill.
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