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When the public starts classifying you as thoughtful, someone given to serious issues, you find yourself declassified as a humorist.

Johnny Carson

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Johnny Carson
Age: 79 †
Born: 1925
Born: October 23
Died: 2005
Died: January 23
Actor
Host
Journalist
Magician
Military Officer
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Television Presenter
Writer
Corning
Iowa
John William Carson
Carson
The Great Carsoni
Someone
Humorist
Find
Humorists
Thoughtful
Starts
Serious
Issues
Public
Given
Classifying

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Whatever you do, you're going to be criticized.
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People are hypocrites. If you ask them what they want to see on TV, they'll tell you they want better quality programming. And then what do they watch? 'Gilligan's Island.'
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Pittsburgh is kind of like Newark without the cultural advantages.
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Democracy is buying a big house you can't afford with money you don't have to impress people you wish were dead.
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A two-pound turkey and a fifty-pound cranberry-that's Thanksgiving dinner at Three Mile Island.
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I hear that whenever someone in the White House tells a lie, Nixon gets a royalty.
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Never ask your wife if she still hears from her old pimp.
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I am one of the lucky people in the world I found something I always wanted to do, and I have enjoyed every single minute of it.
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The closest thing to Roseanne Barr's singing the national anthem was my cat being neutered.
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I can empathize with President [George Bush]. I know what it feels like having a young guy waiting around for you to keel over.
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What's all this fuss about plutonium? How can something named after a Disney character be dangerous?
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Happiness is being served with a paternity suit on your 75th birthday.
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Happiness is seeing your son drafted the same day he's been accepted to an expensive college.
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Democracy means that anyone can grow up to be president, and anyone who doesn't grow up can be vice president.
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It's the lack of this kind of open and honest education about sex that causes so many kids to grow up with sexual hang-ups.
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I hated my last boss. He asked, Why are you two hours late? I said, I fell downstairs. He said, That doesn't take two hours.
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Never use a big word when a little filthy one will do.
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There's a big difference between being a loner and being lonely. I'm far from lonely. My day is full of things I enjoy, starting with my show. Any time my work is going well and I have a relationship with a woman that's pretty solid, that does it for me.
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Entertainment is like any other major industry it's cold, big business. The business end wants to know one thing: Can you do the job? If you can, you're in, you're made if you can't, you're out.
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Happiness is a tiger in your tank and a pussycat in your back seat.
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