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When the public starts classifying you as thoughtful, someone given to serious issues, you find yourself declassified as a humorist.

Johnny Carson

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Johnny Carson
Age: 79 †
Born: 1925
Born: October 23
Died: 2005
Died: January 23
Actor
Host
Journalist
Magician
Military Officer
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Television Presenter
Writer
Corning
Iowa
John William Carson
Carson
The Great Carsoni
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Humorists
Thoughtful
Starts
Serious
Issues
Public
Given
Classifying
Someone
Humorist

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The closest thing to Roseanne Barr's singing the national anthem was my cat being neutered.
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There are very few Japanese Jews. As a result, there is no Japanese word for Alan King.
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The only thing money gives you is the freedom of not worrying about money.
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Happiness is your dentist telling you it won't hurt and then having him catch his hand in the drill.
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If you're happy in what you're doing, you'll like yourself, you'll have inner peace.
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Pie throwing is kind of a lost art, and although it may be a rather rudimentary, burlesque humor, there's something inherently funny about taking a pie in the face, under the right conditions.
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Happiness is seeing your son drafted the same day he's been accepted to an expensive college.
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Happiness is seeing the muscular lifeguard all the girls were admiring leave the beach hand in hand with another muscular lifeguard.
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I am one of the lucky people in the world I found something I always wanted to do, and I have enjoyed every single minute of it.
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Adults ask questions as a child does. When you stop wondering, you might as well put your rocker on the front porch and call it a day.
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I demand my right to a private life, just as I respect that right for everybody else.
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How much of the national news that you report to the public each night consists of information you've actually gone out and dug up on your own?
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An oxymoron? What's that? A moron who studies at Oxford?
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George Burns has been on my show twenty or thirty times, or maybe more. How can you turn down a guy that age?
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As long as I don't commit any crimes, you have no right to judge me except by my performance as a professional. On that level, you're welcome to think whatever you want about me.
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Democracy is welcoming people from other lands, and giving them something to hold onto. Usually a mop or a leaf blower.
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Some sad news from Australia... the inventor of the boomerang grenade died today.
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I can empathize with President [George Bush]. I know what it feels like having a young guy waiting around for you to keel over.
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I know a guy who gave up smoking cigarettes, consuming, sex, and wealthy meals.
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The worst gift is a fruitcake. There is only one fruitcake in the entire world, and people keep sending it to each other.
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