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When the public starts classifying you as thoughtful, someone given to serious issues, you find yourself declassified as a humorist.

Johnny Carson

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Johnny Carson
Age: 79 †
Born: 1925
Born: October 23
Died: 2005
Died: January 23
Actor
Host
Journalist
Magician
Military Officer
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Television Presenter
Writer
Corning
Iowa
John William Carson
Carson
The Great Carsoni
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Humorists
Thoughtful
Starts
Serious
Issues
Public
Given
Classifying
Someone
Humorist

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How much of the national news that you report to the public each night consists of information you've actually gone out and dug up on your own?
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Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place.
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I know a guy who gave up smoking cigarettes, consuming, sex, and wealthy meals.
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Happiness is seeing the muscular lifeguard all the girls were admiring leave the beach hand in hand with another muscular lifeguard.
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It's the lack of this kind of open and honest education about sex that causes so many kids to grow up with sexual hang-ups.
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According to statistics, it's a lot easier to get hit by lightning than to win a Lotto jackpot. The good side: you don't hear from your relatives.
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People are hypocrites. If you ask them what they want to see on TV, they'll tell you they want better quality programming. And then what do they watch? 'Gilligan's Island.'
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May you have the income of a Republican and the sex life of a Democrat!
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Never ask your wife if she still hears from her old pimp.
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Happiness is being served with a paternity suit on your 75th birthday.
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Pie throwing is kind of a lost art, and although it may be a rather rudimentary, burlesque humor, there's something inherently funny about taking a pie in the face, under the right conditions.
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I wouldn't have the slightest interest in running for public office. I'd rather make jokes about politicians than become one of them.
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If variety is the spice of life, marriage is the big can of leftover Spam.
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The only issue cash presents you is the independence of not stressing about funds.
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My success just evolved from working hard at the business at hand each day.
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He's so fat, he can be his own running mate.
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They say atomic rad-i-ation can hurt your reproductive organs. My answer is, so can a hockey stick. But we don't stop building them.
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Thanksgiving is an emotional holiday. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they only see once a year. And then discover once a year is way too often.
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Adults ask questions as a child does. When you stop wondering, you might as well put your rocker on the front porch and call it a day.
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The worst gift is a fruitcake. There is only one fruitcake in the entire world, and people keep sending it to each other.
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