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When the public starts classifying you as thoughtful, someone given to serious issues, you find yourself declassified as a humorist.

Johnny Carson

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Johnny Carson
Age: 79 †
Born: 1925
Born: October 23
Died: 2005
Died: January 23
Actor
Host
Journalist
Magician
Military Officer
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Television Presenter
Writer
Corning
Iowa
John William Carson
Carson
The Great Carsoni
Serious
Issues
Public
Given
Classifying
Someone
Humorist
Find
Humorists
Thoughtful
Starts

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The only issue cash presents you is the independence of not stressing about funds.
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He's so fat, he can be his own running mate.
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Never marry a girl named 'Marie' who used to be known as 'Murray'.
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Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place.
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Maybe we should hold the next [Olympic] games in Afghanistan and hope the Soviets pull out of that one too.
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Thanksgiving is an emotional holiday. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they only see once a year. And then discover once a year is way too often.
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Democracy means free television, not good television, but free.
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I would like to say, for the record, that I am in favor of using more American Indians and other minorities in motion pictures, I am against polluting the oceans of the world, I am for every nationality having its own homeland, I am against whacking baby seals on the head, and I am for saving the whales.
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An oxymoron? What's that? A moron who studies at Oxford?
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I'm an entertainer, not a commentator. If you're a comedian your job is to make people laugh.
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I feel the one sensible thing you can do is try to live in a way that pleases you. If you don't hurt anybody else, what you do is your own business.
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If you're happy in what you're doing, you'll like yourself, you'll have inner peace.
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Some sad news from Australia... the inventor of the boomerang grenade died today.
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I can empathize with President [George Bush]. I know what it feels like having a young guy waiting around for you to keel over.
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I think students ought to have the right to protest, but not to the point of anarchy.
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Whatever you do, you're going to be criticized.
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I owe one thing to my public - the best performance I can give.
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Happiness is seeing your son drafted the same day he's been accepted to an expensive college.
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We resort, frankly, to pies, which is a comedy staple that's gone back, I guess, to since the first pie was ever baked.
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I know a guy who gave up smoking cigarettes, consuming, sex, and wealthy meals.
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