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I feel the one sensible thing you can do is try to live in a way that pleases you. If you don't hurt anybody else, what you do is your own business.

Johnny Carson

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Johnny Carson
Age: 79 †
Born: 1925
Born: October 23
Died: 2005
Died: January 23
Actor
Host
Journalist
Magician
Military Officer
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Television Presenter
Writer
Corning
Iowa
John William Carson
Carson
The Great Carsoni
Feels
Sensible
Thing
Anybody
Trying
Please
Way
Hurt
Business
Else
Live
Feel
Pleases

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If variety is the spice of life, marriage is the big can of leftover Spam.
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Never use a big word when a little filthy one will do.
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It's the lack of this kind of open and honest education about sex that causes so many kids to grow up with sexual hang-ups.
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An oxymoron? What's that? A moron who studies at Oxford?
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Happiness is being served with a paternity suit on your 75th birthday.
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As long as I don't commit any crimes, you have no right to judge me except by my performance as a professional. On that level, you're welcome to think whatever you want about me.
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Do you know my dream? I really want to become an aluminum-siding salesman.
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Believe me, you don't walk away from the kind of money you make with a daily television show. You might get awful tired of it sometimes, but take a second look at the check and you get less tired right away.
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I loved the towns I grew up in as a boy, and after I became a celebrity, I went back several times. I would have had the time of my life seeing the old places and the old faces again, but the attitude of those same people was, I guess you're so big we bore you now.
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People are hypocrites. If you ask them what they want to see on TV, they'll tell you they want better quality programming. And then what do they watch? 'Gilligan's Island.'
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My success just evolved from working hard at the business at hand each day.
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Democracy is welcoming people from other lands, and giving them something to hold onto. Usually a mop or a leaf blower.
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Never marry a girl named 'Marie' who used to be known as 'Murray'.
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Never ask your wife if she still hears from her old pimp.
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I would like to say, for the record, that I am in favor of using more American Indians and other minorities in motion pictures, I am against polluting the oceans of the world, I am for every nationality having its own homeland, I am against whacking baby seals on the head, and I am for saving the whales.
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For days after death hair and fingernails continue to grow, but phone calls taper off.
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The Hollywood tradition I like best is called sucking up to the stars.
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What's all this fuss about plutonium? How can something named after a Disney character be dangerous?
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Money gives me just one big thing that's really important, and that's the freedom of not having to worry about money.
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