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Whatever you do, you're going to be criticized.

Johnny Carson

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Johnny Carson
Age: 79 †
Born: 1925
Born: October 23
Died: 2005
Died: January 23
Actor
Host
Journalist
Magician
Military Officer
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Television Presenter
Writer
Corning
Iowa
John William Carson
Carson
The Great Carsoni
Criticized
Whatever
Going

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Despite the fact that computer speeds are measured in nanoseconds and picoseconds - one billionth and one trillionth of a second, respectively - the smallest interval of time known to man is that which occurs in Manhattan between the traffic signal turning green and the taxi driver behind you blowing his horn.
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Happiness is sitting down to watch some slides of your neighbor's vacation and finding out that he spent two weeks in a nudist colony.
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George Burns has been on my show twenty or thirty times, or maybe more. How can you turn down a guy that age?
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I have an ego like anybody else, but I don't need to be stoked by going before the public all the time.
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I'm an entertainer, not a commentator. If you're a comedian your job is to make people laugh.
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Do you know my dream? I really want to become an aluminum-siding salesman.
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Happiness is discovering the prune juice your doctor ordered you to drink has fermented.
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I demand my right to a private life, just as I respect that right for everybody else.
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My success just evolved from working hard at the business at hand each day.
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Never ask your wife if she still hears from her old pimp.
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I hear that whenever someone in the White House tells a lie, Nixon gets a royalty.
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Pie throwing is kind of a lost art, and although it may be a rather rudimentary, burlesque humor, there's something inherently funny about taking a pie in the face, under the right conditions.
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An oxymoron? What's that? A moron who studies at Oxford?
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In 1932, lame duck president Herbert Hoover was so desperate to remain in the White House that he dressed up as Eleanor Roosevelt. When FDR discovered the hoax in 1936, the two men decided to stay together for the sake of the children.
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If you're happy in what you're doing, you'll like yourself, you'll have inner peace.
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I owe one thing to my public - the best performance I can give.
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Never use a big word when a little filthy one will do.
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It's the lack of this kind of open and honest education about sex that causes so many kids to grow up with sexual hang-ups.
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When a comic becomes enamored with his own views and foists them off on the public in a polemic way, he loses not only his sense of humor but his value as a humorist.
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I wouldn't have the slightest interest in running for public office. I'd rather make jokes about politicians than become one of them.
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