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Whatever you do, you're going to be criticized.

Johnny Carson

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Johnny Carson
Age: 79 †
Born: 1925
Born: October 23
Died: 2005
Died: January 23
Actor
Host
Journalist
Magician
Military Officer
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Television Presenter
Writer
Corning
Iowa
John William Carson
Carson
The Great Carsoni
Going
Criticized
Whatever

More quotes by Johnny Carson

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According to statistics, it's a lot easier to get hit by lightning than to win a Lotto jackpot. The good side: you don't hear from your relatives.
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Some sad news from Australia... the inventor of the boomerang grenade died today.
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I can empathize with President [George Bush]. I know what it feels like having a young guy waiting around for you to keel over.
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In 1932, lame duck president Herbert Hoover was so desperate to remain in the White House that he dressed up as Eleanor Roosevelt. When FDR discovered the hoax in 1936, the two men decided to stay together for the sake of the children.
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If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.
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Happiness is sitting down to watch some slides of your neighbor's vacation and finding out that he spent two weeks in a nudist colony.
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As you all know by now, this is the 51st annual Academy Awards. Two hours of sparkling entertainment spread out over a four-hour show.
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Adults ask questions as a child does. When you stop wondering, you might as well put your rocker on the front porch and call it a day.
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May you have the income of a Republican and the sex life of a Democrat!
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Money gives me just one big thing that's really important, and that's the freedom of not having to worry about money.
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Never marry a girl named 'Marie' who used to be known as 'Murray'.
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Pie throwing is kind of a lost art, and although it may be a rather rudimentary, burlesque humor, there's something inherently funny about taking a pie in the face, under the right conditions.
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Never use a big word when a little filthy one will do.
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Never ask your wife if she still hears from her old pimp.
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I know a guy who gave up smoking cigarettes, consuming, sex, and wealthy meals.
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I wouldn't have the slightest interest in running for public office. I'd rather make jokes about politicians than become one of them.
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The closest thing to Roseanne Barr's singing the national anthem was my cat being neutered.
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Happiness is discovering the prune juice your doctor ordered you to drink has fermented.
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Happiness is being served with a paternity suit on your 75th birthday.
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Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place.
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