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Whatever you do, you're going to be criticized.
Johnny Carson
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Johnny Carson
Age: 79 †
Born: 1925
Born: October 23
Died: 2005
Died: January 23
Actor
Host
Journalist
Magician
Military Officer
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Television Presenter
Writer
Corning
Iowa
John William Carson
Carson
The Great Carsoni
Criticized
Whatever
Going
More quotes by Johnny Carson
May you have the income of a Republican and the sex life of a Democrat!
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Democracy is buying a big house you can't afford with money you don't have to impress people you wish were dead.
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If you're happy in what you're doing, you'll like yourself, you'll have inner peace.
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Happiness is discovering the prune juice your doctor ordered you to drink has fermented.
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According to statistics, it's a lot easier to get hit by lightning than to win a Lotto jackpot. The good side: you don't hear from your relatives.
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Pie throwing is kind of a lost art, and although it may be a rather rudimentary, burlesque humor, there's something inherently funny about taking a pie in the face, under the right conditions.
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There are very few Japanese Jews. As a result, there is no Japanese word for Alan King.
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Happiness is seeing the muscular lifeguard all the girls were admiring leave the beach hand in hand with another muscular lifeguard.
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I demand my right to a private life, just as I respect that right for everybody else.
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Money gives me just one big thing that's really important, and that's the freedom of not having to worry about money.
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Democracy is welcoming people from other lands, and giving them something to hold onto. Usually a mop or a leaf blower.
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Never use a big word when a little filthy one will do.
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Never marry a girl named 'Marie' who used to be known as 'Murray'.
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I loved the towns I grew up in as a boy, and after I became a celebrity, I went back several times. I would have had the time of my life seeing the old places and the old faces again, but the attitude of those same people was, I guess you're so big we bore you now.
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Never ask your wife if she still hears from her old pimp.
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As long as I don't commit any crimes, you have no right to judge me except by my performance as a professional. On that level, you're welcome to think whatever you want about me.
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The Champagne they have stored is getting more valuable every year.
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When the public starts classifying you as thoughtful, someone given to serious issues, you find yourself declassified as a humorist.
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People will pay more to be entertained than educated.
Johnny Carson
I hated my last boss. He asked, Why are you two hours late? I said, I fell downstairs. He said, That doesn't take two hours.
Johnny Carson
