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Only lie about the future.
Johnny Carson
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Johnny Carson
Age: 79 †
Born: 1925
Born: October 23
Died: 2005
Died: January 23
Actor
Host
Journalist
Magician
Military Officer
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Television Presenter
Writer
Corning
Iowa
John William Carson
Carson
The Great Carsoni
Lying
Future
More quotes by Johnny Carson
I hated my last boss. He asked, Why are you two hours late? I said, I fell downstairs. He said, That doesn't take two hours.
Johnny Carson
The only issue cash presents you is the independence of not stressing about funds.
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We resort, frankly, to pies, which is a comedy staple that's gone back, I guess, to since the first pie was ever baked.
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People are hypocrites. If you ask them what they want to see on TV, they'll tell you they want better quality programming. And then what do they watch? 'Gilligan's Island.'
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I'm an entertainer I try to give the public what it wants while I'm on the screen, and I'm completely sincere about it. If I don't happen to be a laughing boy off the screen, that doesn't make me a hypocrite or a phony.
Johnny Carson
You become successful, the way I see it, only if you're good enough to deliver what the public enjoys. If you're not, you won't have any audience so the performer really has more to do with his success than the public does.
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If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.
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Happiness is seeing the muscular lifeguard all the girls were admiring leave the beach hand in hand with another muscular lifeguard.
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An oxymoron? What's that? A moron who studies at Oxford?
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I feel the one sensible thing you can do is try to live in a way that pleases you. If you don't hurt anybody else, what you do is your own business.
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I'm an entertainer, not a commentator. If you're a comedian your job is to make people laugh.
Johnny Carson
I have an ego like anybody else, but I don't need to be stoked by going before the public all the time.
Johnny Carson
I would like to say, for the record, that I am in favor of using more American Indians and other minorities in motion pictures, I am against polluting the oceans of the world, I am for every nationality having its own homeland, I am against whacking baby seals on the head, and I am for saving the whales.
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There's a big difference between being a loner and being lonely. I'm far from lonely. My day is full of things I enjoy, starting with my show. Any time my work is going well and I have a relationship with a woman that's pretty solid, that does it for me.
Johnny Carson
I am one of the lucky people in the world I found something I always wanted to do, and I have enjoyed every single minute of it.
Johnny Carson
Never marry a girl named 'Marie' who used to be known as 'Murray'.
Johnny Carson
Never ask your wife if she still hears from her old pimp.
Johnny Carson
As long as I don't commit any crimes, you have no right to judge me except by my performance as a professional. On that level, you're welcome to think whatever you want about me.
Johnny Carson
As you all know by now, this is the 51st annual Academy Awards. Two hours of sparkling entertainment spread out over a four-hour show.
Johnny Carson
Democracy is welcoming people from other lands, and giving them something to hold onto. Usually a mop or a leaf blower.
Johnny Carson
