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Only lie about the future.

Johnny Carson

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Johnny Carson
Age: 79 †
Born: 1925
Born: October 23
Died: 2005
Died: January 23
Actor
Host
Journalist
Magician
Military Officer
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Television Presenter
Writer
Corning
Iowa
John William Carson
Carson
The Great Carsoni
Lying
Future

More quotes by Johnny Carson

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They say atomic rad-i-ation can hurt your reproductive organs. My answer is, so can a hockey stick. But we don't stop building them.
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A two-pound turkey and a fifty-pound cranberry-that's Thanksgiving dinner at Three Mile Island.
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If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.
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The only thing money gives you is the freedom of not worrying about money.
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Never continue in a job you don't enjoy. If you're happy in what you're doing, you'll like yourself, you'll have inner peace. And if you have that, along with physical health, you will have had more success than you could possibly have imagined.
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I hated my last boss. He asked, Why are you two hours late? I said, I fell downstairs. He said, That doesn't take two hours.
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Democracy is welcoming people from other lands, and giving them something to hold onto. Usually a mop or a leaf blower.
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I hear that whenever someone in the White House tells a lie, Nixon gets a royalty.
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An oxymoron? What's that? A moron who studies at Oxford?
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If variety is the spice of life, marriage is the big can of leftover Spam.
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When the public starts classifying you as thoughtful, someone given to serious issues, you find yourself declassified as a humorist.
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There's only one critic whose opinion I really value, in the final analysis: Johnny Carson. I have never needed any entourage standing around bolstering my ego. I'm secure. I know exactly who and what I am. I don't need to be told. I make no apologies for being the way I am.
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I would like to say, for the record, that I am in favor of using more American Indians and other minorities in motion pictures, I am against polluting the oceans of the world, I am for every nationality having its own homeland, I am against whacking baby seals on the head, and I am for saving the whales.
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He's so fat, he can be his own running mate.
Johnny Carson
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You become successful, the way I see it, only if you're good enough to deliver what the public enjoys. If you're not, you won't have any audience so the performer really has more to do with his success than the public does.
Johnny Carson
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Pittsburgh is kind of like Newark without the cultural advantages.
Johnny Carson
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Maybe we should hold the next [Olympic] games in Afghanistan and hope the Soviets pull out of that one too.
Johnny Carson
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There are very few Japanese Jews. As a result, there is no Japanese word for Alan King.
Johnny Carson
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I can empathize with President [George Bush]. I know what it feels like having a young guy waiting around for you to keel over.
Johnny Carson
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For days after death hair and fingernails continue to grow, but phone calls taper off.
Johnny Carson