Quote

They say atomic rad-i-ation can hurt your reproductive organs. My answer is, so can a hockey stick. But we don't stop building them.

Johnny Carson

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Johnny Carson
Age: 79 †
Born: 1925
Born: October 23
Died: 2005
Died: January 23
Actor
Host
Journalist
Magician
Military Officer
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Television Presenter
Writer
Corning
Iowa
John William Carson
Carson
The Great Carsoni
Answer
Building
Rad
Answers
Reproductive
Modern
Atomic
Hurt
Organs
Stop
Hockey
Stick
Sticks

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Democracy means that anyone can grow up to be president, and anyone who doesn't grow up can be vice president.
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I feel the one sensible thing you can do is try to live in a way that pleases you. If you don't hurt anybody else, what you do is your own business.
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When a comic becomes enamored with his own views and foists them off on the public in a polemic way, he loses not only his sense of humor but his value as a humorist.
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The worst gift is a fruitcake. There is only one fruitcake in the entire world, and people keep sending it to each other.
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I think it's almost immoral to keep on with a marriage that's really bad. It just gets more and more rotten and vindictive and everybody gets more and more hurt. There's not enough honesty about marriage, I think. I wish more people would face the truth about their marital situations.
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The Champagne they have stored is getting more valuable every year.
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We resort, frankly, to pies, which is a comedy staple that's gone back, I guess, to since the first pie was ever baked.
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Democracy is welcoming people from other lands, and giving them something to hold onto. Usually a mop or a leaf blower.
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If you're happy in what you're doing, you'll like yourself, you'll have inner peace.
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When the public starts classifying you as thoughtful, someone given to serious issues, you find yourself declassified as a humorist.
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How much of the national news that you report to the public each night consists of information you've actually gone out and dug up on your own?
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I know a guy who gave up smoking cigarettes, consuming, sex, and wealthy meals.
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The only thing money gives you is the freedom of not worrying about money.
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There's a big difference between being a loner and being lonely. I'm far from lonely. My day is full of things I enjoy, starting with my show. Any time my work is going well and I have a relationship with a woman that's pretty solid, that does it for me.
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Egyptian President Sadat had a belly dancer entertain President Nixon at a state dinner. Mr. Nixon was really impressed. He hadn't seen contortions like that since Rose Mary Woods.
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Thanksgiving is an emotional holiday. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they only see once a year. And then discover once a year is way too often.
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I'm an entertainer, not a commentator. If you're a comedian your job is to make people laugh.
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People are hypocrites. If you ask them what they want to see on TV, they'll tell you they want better quality programming. And then what do they watch? 'Gilligan's Island.'
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I hear that whenever someone in the White House tells a lie, Nixon gets a royalty.
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He's so fat, he can be his own running mate.
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