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They say atomic rad-i-ation can hurt your reproductive organs. My answer is, so can a hockey stick. But we don't stop building them.

Johnny Carson

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Johnny Carson
Age: 79 †
Born: 1925
Born: October 23
Died: 2005
Died: January 23
Actor
Host
Journalist
Magician
Military Officer
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Television Presenter
Writer
Corning
Iowa
John William Carson
Carson
The Great Carsoni
Stick
Sticks
Answer
Building
Rad
Answers
Reproductive
Modern
Atomic
Hurt
Organs
Stop
Hockey

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I hated my last boss. He asked, Why are you two hours late? I said, I fell downstairs. He said, That doesn't take two hours.
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Egyptian President Sadat had a belly dancer entertain President Nixon at a state dinner. Mr. Nixon was really impressed. He hadn't seen contortions like that since Rose Mary Woods.
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I hear that whenever someone in the White House tells a lie, Nixon gets a royalty.
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The closest thing to Roseanne Barr's singing the national anthem was my cat being neutered.
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I don't think it's you that changes with success - it's the people around you who change. Because of your new status, they change in relation to you.
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People will pay more to be entertained than educated.
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There's a big difference between being a loner and being lonely. I'm far from lonely. My day is full of things I enjoy, starting with my show. Any time my work is going well and I have a relationship with a woman that's pretty solid, that does it for me.
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Pittsburgh is kind of like Newark without the cultural advantages.
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The Hollywood tradition I like best is called sucking up to the stars.
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Democracy means that anyone can grow up to be president, and anyone who doesn't grow up can be vice president.
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I'm an entertainer, not a commentator. If you're a comedian your job is to make people laugh.
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What's all this fuss about plutonium? How can something named after a Disney character be dangerous?
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Only lie about the future.
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Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place.
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If variety is the spice of life, marriage is the big can of leftover Spam.
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Whatever you do, you're going to be criticized.
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I'm an entertainer I try to give the public what it wants while I'm on the screen, and I'm completely sincere about it. If I don't happen to be a laughing boy off the screen, that doesn't make me a hypocrite or a phony.
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I loved the towns I grew up in as a boy, and after I became a celebrity, I went back several times. I would have had the time of my life seeing the old places and the old faces again, but the attitude of those same people was, I guess you're so big we bore you now.
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How much of the national news that you report to the public each night consists of information you've actually gone out and dug up on your own?
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The vast majority of us don't want to face the fact that we're in the middle of a sweeping social revolution. In sex. In spiritual values. In opposition to wars no one wants. In opposition to government big-brotherhood. In civil rights. In basic human goals. They're all facets of a general upheaval.
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