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Maybe we should hold the next [Olympic] games in Afghanistan and hope the Soviets pull out of that one too.

Johnny Carson

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Johnny Carson
Age: 79 †
Born: 1925
Born: October 23
Died: 2005
Died: January 23
Actor
Host
Journalist
Magician
Military Officer
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Television Presenter
Writer
Corning
Iowa
John William Carson
Carson
The Great Carsoni
Pull
Hold
Maybe
Games
Peace
Hope
Soviets
War
Olympic
Next
Afghanistan

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The only thing money gives you is the freedom of not worrying about money.
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Pie throwing is kind of a lost art, and although it may be a rather rudimentary, burlesque humor, there's something inherently funny about taking a pie in the face, under the right conditions.
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People will pay more to be entertained than educated.
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I feel the one sensible thing you can do is try to live in a way that pleases you. If you don't hurt anybody else, what you do is your own business.
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Happiness is discovering the prune juice your doctor ordered you to drink has fermented.
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Adults ask questions as a child does. When you stop wondering, you might as well put your rocker on the front porch and call it a day.
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I think students ought to have the right to protest, but not to the point of anarchy.
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According to statistics, it's a lot easier to get hit by lightning than to win a Lotto jackpot. The good side: you don't hear from your relatives.
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Despite the fact that computer speeds are measured in nanoseconds and picoseconds - one billionth and one trillionth of a second, respectively - the smallest interval of time known to man is that which occurs in Manhattan between the traffic signal turning green and the taxi driver behind you blowing his horn.
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If you're happy in what you're doing, you'll like yourself, you'll have inner peace.
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I loved the towns I grew up in as a boy, and after I became a celebrity, I went back several times. I would have had the time of my life seeing the old places and the old faces again, but the attitude of those same people was, I guess you're so big we bore you now.
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Never marry a girl named 'Marie' who used to be known as 'Murray'.
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Democracy means that anyone can grow up to be president, and anyone who doesn't grow up can be vice president.
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Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place.
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I hated my last boss. He asked, Why are you two hours late? I said, I fell downstairs. He said, That doesn't take two hours.
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Democracy is buying a big house you can't afford with money you don't have to impress people you wish were dead.
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The closest thing to Roseanne Barr's singing the national anthem was my cat being neutered.
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There's a big difference between being a loner and being lonely. I'm far from lonely. My day is full of things I enjoy, starting with my show. Any time my work is going well and I have a relationship with a woman that's pretty solid, that does it for me.
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Only lie about the future.
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May you have the income of a Republican and the sex life of a Democrat!
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