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Maybe we should hold the next [Olympic] games in Afghanistan and hope the Soviets pull out of that one too.
Johnny Carson
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Johnny Carson
Age: 79 †
Born: 1925
Born: October 23
Died: 2005
Died: January 23
Actor
Host
Journalist
Magician
Military Officer
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Television Presenter
Writer
Corning
Iowa
John William Carson
Carson
The Great Carsoni
Pull
Hold
Maybe
Games
Peace
Hope
Soviets
War
Olympic
Next
Afghanistan
More quotes by Johnny Carson
Whatever you do, you're going to be criticized.
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An oxymoron? What's that? A moron who studies at Oxford?
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Happiness is seeing your son drafted the same day he's been accepted to an expensive college.
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In 1932, lame duck president Herbert Hoover was so desperate to remain in the White House that he dressed up as Eleanor Roosevelt. When FDR discovered the hoax in 1936, the two men decided to stay together for the sake of the children.
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What's all this fuss about plutonium? How can something named after a Disney character be dangerous?
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Never ask your wife if she still hears from her old pimp.
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I get sick of that old rationalization, We're staying together because of the children. Kids couldn't be more miserable living with parents who can't stand each other. They're far better off if there's an honest, clean divorce.
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I'm an entertainer I try to give the public what it wants while I'm on the screen, and I'm completely sincere about it. If I don't happen to be a laughing boy off the screen, that doesn't make me a hypocrite or a phony.
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I hated my last boss. He asked, Why are you two hours late? I said, I fell downstairs. He said, That doesn't take two hours.
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If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.
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Democracy means that anyone can grow up to be president, and anyone who doesn't grow up can be vice president.
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If it weren't for Philo T. Farnsworth, inventor of television, we'd still be eating frozen radio dinners.
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I hear that whenever someone in the White House tells a lie, Nixon gets a royalty.
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I owe one thing to my public - the best performance I can give.
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If variety is the spice of life, marriage is the big can of leftover Spam.
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I know a guy who gave up smoking cigarettes, consuming, sex, and wealthy meals.
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Happiness is your dentist telling you it won't hurt and then having him catch his hand in the drill.
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Happiness is seeing the muscular lifeguard all the girls were admiring leave the beach hand in hand with another muscular lifeguard.
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As long as I don't commit any crimes, you have no right to judge me except by my performance as a professional. On that level, you're welcome to think whatever you want about me.
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George Burns has been on my show twenty or thirty times, or maybe more. How can you turn down a guy that age?
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