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Never marry a girl named 'Marie' who used to be known as 'Murray'.
Johnny Carson
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Johnny Carson
Age: 79 †
Born: 1925
Born: October 23
Died: 2005
Died: January 23
Actor
Host
Journalist
Magician
Military Officer
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Television Presenter
Writer
Corning
Iowa
John William Carson
Carson
The Great Carsoni
Known
Girl
Used
Never
Murray
Marie
Named
Marry
Marriage
More quotes by Johnny Carson
According to statistics, it's a lot easier to get hit by lightning than to win a Lotto jackpot. The good side: you don't hear from your relatives.
Johnny Carson
I would like to say, for the record, that I am in favor of using more American Indians and other minorities in motion pictures, I am against polluting the oceans of the world, I am for every nationality having its own homeland, I am against whacking baby seals on the head, and I am for saving the whales.
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Happiness is discovering the prune juice your doctor ordered you to drink has fermented.
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Happiness is sitting down to watch some slides of your neighbor's vacation and finding out that he spent two weeks in a nudist colony.
Johnny Carson
If variety is the spice of life, marriage is the big can of leftover Spam.
Johnny Carson
Only lie about the future.
Johnny Carson
I hated my last boss. He asked, Why are you two hours late? I said, I fell downstairs. He said, That doesn't take two hours.
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For days after death hair and fingernails continue to grow, but phone calls taper off.
Johnny Carson
George Burns has been on my show twenty or thirty times, or maybe more. How can you turn down a guy that age?
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Happiness is seeing your son drafted the same day he's been accepted to an expensive college.
Johnny Carson
Do you know my dream? I really want to become an aluminum-siding salesman.
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Maybe we should hold the next [Olympic] games in Afghanistan and hope the Soviets pull out of that one too.
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I don't think it's you that changes with success - it's the people around you who change. Because of your new status, they change in relation to you.
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I wouldn't have the slightest interest in running for public office. I'd rather make jokes about politicians than become one of them.
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If it weren't for Philo T. Farnsworth, inventor of television, we'd still be eating frozen radio dinners.
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Pittsburgh is kind of like Newark without the cultural advantages.
Johnny Carson
The only issue cash presents you is the independence of not stressing about funds.
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We resort, frankly, to pies, which is a comedy staple that's gone back, I guess, to since the first pie was ever baked.
Johnny Carson
When a comic becomes enamored with his own views and foists them off on the public in a polemic way, he loses not only his sense of humor but his value as a humorist.
Johnny Carson
Whatever you do, you're going to be criticized.
Johnny Carson
