Quote

Happiness is seeing the muscular lifeguard all the girls were admiring leave the beach hand in hand with another muscular lifeguard.

Johnny Carson

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Johnny Carson
Age: 79 †
Born: 1925
Born: October 23
Died: 2005
Died: January 23
Actor
Host
Journalist
Magician
Military Officer
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Television Presenter
Writer
Corning
Iowa
John William Carson
Carson
The Great Carsoni
Happiness
Lifeguard
Girl
Muscular
Another
Admiring
Hands
Beach
Girls
Leave
Hand
Seeing

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Believe me, you don't walk away from the kind of money you make with a daily television show. You might get awful tired of it sometimes, but take a second look at the check and you get less tired right away.
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Egyptian President Sadat had a belly dancer entertain President Nixon at a state dinner. Mr. Nixon was really impressed. He hadn't seen contortions like that since Rose Mary Woods.
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There's a big difference between being a loner and being lonely. I'm far from lonely. My day is full of things I enjoy, starting with my show. Any time my work is going well and I have a relationship with a woman that's pretty solid, that does it for me.
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Never marry a girl named 'Marie' who used to be known as 'Murray'.
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George Burns has been on my show twenty or thirty times, or maybe more. How can you turn down a guy that age?
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I owe one thing to my public - the best performance I can give.
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I get sick of that old rationalization, We're staying together because of the children. Kids couldn't be more miserable living with parents who can't stand each other. They're far better off if there's an honest, clean divorce.
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If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.
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I demand my right to a private life, just as I respect that right for everybody else.
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Pie throwing is kind of a lost art, and although it may be a rather rudimentary, burlesque humor, there's something inherently funny about taking a pie in the face, under the right conditions.
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If variety is the spice of life, marriage is the big can of leftover Spam.
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There's only one critic whose opinion I really value, in the final analysis: Johnny Carson. I have never needed any entourage standing around bolstering my ego. I'm secure. I know exactly who and what I am. I don't need to be told. I make no apologies for being the way I am.
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The closest thing to Roseanne Barr's singing the national anthem was my cat being neutered.
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When the public starts classifying you as thoughtful, someone given to serious issues, you find yourself declassified as a humorist.
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Democracy means that anyone can grow up to be president, and anyone who doesn't grow up can be vice president.
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Despite the fact that computer speeds are measured in nanoseconds and picoseconds - one billionth and one trillionth of a second, respectively - the smallest interval of time known to man is that which occurs in Manhattan between the traffic signal turning green and the taxi driver behind you blowing his horn.
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Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place.
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What's all this fuss about plutonium? How can something named after a Disney character be dangerous?
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I think students ought to have the right to protest, but not to the point of anarchy.
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A two-pound turkey and a fifty-pound cranberry-that's Thanksgiving dinner at Three Mile Island.
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