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Happiness is seeing the muscular lifeguard all the girls were admiring leave the beach hand in hand with another muscular lifeguard.

Johnny Carson

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Johnny Carson
Age: 79 †
Born: 1925
Born: October 23
Died: 2005
Died: January 23
Actor
Host
Journalist
Magician
Military Officer
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Television Presenter
Writer
Corning
Iowa
John William Carson
Carson
The Great Carsoni
Seeing
Happiness
Lifeguard
Girl
Muscular
Another
Admiring
Hands
Beach
Girls
Leave
Hand

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I can empathize with President [George Bush]. I know what it feels like having a young guy waiting around for you to keel over.
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Despite the fact that computer speeds are measured in nanoseconds and picoseconds - one billionth and one trillionth of a second, respectively - the smallest interval of time known to man is that which occurs in Manhattan between the traffic signal turning green and the taxi driver behind you blowing his horn.
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Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place.
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We resort, frankly, to pies, which is a comedy staple that's gone back, I guess, to since the first pie was ever baked.
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The vast majority of us don't want to face the fact that we're in the middle of a sweeping social revolution. In sex. In spiritual values. In opposition to wars no one wants. In opposition to government big-brotherhood. In civil rights. In basic human goals. They're all facets of a general upheaval.
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People will pay more to be entertained than educated.
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Believe me, you don't walk away from the kind of money you make with a daily television show. You might get awful tired of it sometimes, but take a second look at the check and you get less tired right away.
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An oxymoron? What's that? A moron who studies at Oxford?
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Money gives me just one big thing that's really important, and that's the freedom of not having to worry about money.
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If it weren't for Philo T. Farnsworth, inventor of television, we'd still be eating frozen radio dinners.
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For days after death hair and fingernails continue to grow, but phone calls taper off.
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I'm an entertainer I try to give the public what it wants while I'm on the screen, and I'm completely sincere about it. If I don't happen to be a laughing boy off the screen, that doesn't make me a hypocrite or a phony.
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Democracy means free television, not good television, but free.
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Never ask your wife if she still hears from her old pimp.
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I know a guy who gave up smoking cigarettes, consuming, sex, and wealthy meals.
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What's all this fuss about plutonium? How can something named after a Disney character be dangerous?
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Happiness is seeing your son drafted the same day he's been accepted to an expensive college.
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Do you know my dream? I really want to become an aluminum-siding salesman.
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I think it's almost immoral to keep on with a marriage that's really bad. It just gets more and more rotten and vindictive and everybody gets more and more hurt. There's not enough honesty about marriage, I think. I wish more people would face the truth about their marital situations.
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I think students ought to have the right to protest, but not to the point of anarchy.
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