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Happiness is seeing the muscular lifeguard all the girls were admiring leave the beach hand in hand with another muscular lifeguard.
Johnny Carson
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Johnny Carson
Age: 79 †
Born: 1925
Born: October 23
Died: 2005
Died: January 23
Actor
Host
Journalist
Magician
Military Officer
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Television Presenter
Writer
Corning
Iowa
John William Carson
Carson
The Great Carsoni
Girls
Leave
Hand
Seeing
Happiness
Lifeguard
Girl
Muscular
Another
Admiring
Hands
Beach
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I demand my right to a private life, just as I respect that right for everybody else.
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Happiness is seeing your son drafted the same day he's been accepted to an expensive college.
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Whatever you do, you're going to be criticized.
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Despite the fact that computer speeds are measured in nanoseconds and picoseconds - one billionth and one trillionth of a second, respectively - the smallest interval of time known to man is that which occurs in Manhattan between the traffic signal turning green and the taxi driver behind you blowing his horn.
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Happiness is discovering the prune juice your doctor ordered you to drink has fermented.
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People are hypocrites. If you ask them what they want to see on TV, they'll tell you they want better quality programming. And then what do they watch? 'Gilligan's Island.'
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Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place.
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Democracy means that anyone can grow up to be president, and anyone who doesn't grow up can be vice president.
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Entertainment is like any other major industry it's cold, big business. The business end wants to know one thing: Can you do the job? If you can, you're in, you're made if you can't, you're out.
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There's a big difference between being a loner and being lonely. I'm far from lonely. My day is full of things I enjoy, starting with my show. Any time my work is going well and I have a relationship with a woman that's pretty solid, that does it for me.
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We resort, frankly, to pies, which is a comedy staple that's gone back, I guess, to since the first pie was ever baked.
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He's so fat, he can be his own running mate.
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George Burns has been on my show twenty or thirty times, or maybe more. How can you turn down a guy that age?
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I hated my last boss. He asked, Why are you two hours late? I said, I fell downstairs. He said, That doesn't take two hours.
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Never use a big word when a little filthy one will do.
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For days after death hair and fingernails continue to grow, but phone calls taper off.
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Thanksgiving is an emotional holiday. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they only see once a year. And then discover once a year is way too often.
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