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The Hollywood tradition I like best is called sucking up to the stars.

Johnny Carson

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Johnny Carson
Age: 79 †
Born: 1925
Born: October 23
Died: 2005
Died: January 23
Actor
Host
Journalist
Magician
Military Officer
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Television Presenter
Writer
Corning
Iowa
John William Carson
Carson
The Great Carsoni
Sucking
Tradition
Hollywood
Called
Stars
Best
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I am one of the lucky people in the world I found something I always wanted to do, and I have enjoyed every single minute of it.
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Maybe we should hold the next [Olympic] games in Afghanistan and hope the Soviets pull out of that one too.
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I wouldn't have the slightest interest in running for public office. I'd rather make jokes about politicians than become one of them.
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Happiness is a tiger in your tank and a pussycat in your back seat.
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The closest thing to Roseanne Barr's singing the national anthem was my cat being neutered.
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Pittsburgh is kind of like Newark without the cultural advantages.
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I owe one thing to my public - the best performance I can give.
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There's only one critic whose opinion I really value, in the final analysis: Johnny Carson. I have never needed any entourage standing around bolstering my ego. I'm secure. I know exactly who and what I am. I don't need to be told. I make no apologies for being the way I am.
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What's all this fuss about plutonium? How can something named after a Disney character be dangerous?
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I hated my last boss. He asked, Why are you two hours late? I said, I fell downstairs. He said, That doesn't take two hours.
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Do you know my dream? I really want to become an aluminum-siding salesman.
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If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.
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Entertainment is like any other major industry it's cold, big business. The business end wants to know one thing: Can you do the job? If you can, you're in, you're made if you can't, you're out.
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Money gives me just one big thing that's really important, and that's the freedom of not having to worry about money.
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I'm an entertainer I try to give the public what it wants while I'm on the screen, and I'm completely sincere about it. If I don't happen to be a laughing boy off the screen, that doesn't make me a hypocrite or a phony.
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In 1932, lame duck president Herbert Hoover was so desperate to remain in the White House that he dressed up as Eleanor Roosevelt. When FDR discovered the hoax in 1936, the two men decided to stay together for the sake of the children.
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I feel the one sensible thing you can do is try to live in a way that pleases you. If you don't hurt anybody else, what you do is your own business.
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The worst gift is a fruitcake. There is only one fruitcake in the entire world, and people keep sending it to each other.
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It's the lack of this kind of open and honest education about sex that causes so many kids to grow up with sexual hang-ups.
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I think students ought to have the right to protest, but not to the point of anarchy.
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