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The Hollywood tradition I like best is called sucking up to the stars.

Johnny Carson

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Johnny Carson
Age: 79 †
Born: 1925
Born: October 23
Died: 2005
Died: January 23
Actor
Host
Journalist
Magician
Military Officer
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Television Presenter
Writer
Corning
Iowa
John William Carson
Carson
The Great Carsoni
Hollywood
Called
Stars
Best
Like
Sucking
Tradition

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Never ask your wife if she still hears from her old pimp.
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According to statistics, it's a lot easier to get hit by lightning than to win a Lotto jackpot. The good side: you don't hear from your relatives.
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The closest thing to Roseanne Barr's singing the national anthem was my cat being neutered.
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I think students ought to have the right to protest, but not to the point of anarchy.
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I hear that whenever someone in the White House tells a lie, Nixon gets a royalty.
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The Champagne they have stored is getting more valuable every year.
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I feel the one sensible thing you can do is try to live in a way that pleases you. If you don't hurt anybody else, what you do is your own business.
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Never marry a girl named 'Marie' who used to be known as 'Murray'.
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Some sad news from Australia... the inventor of the boomerang grenade died today.
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I demand my right to a private life, just as I respect that right for everybody else.
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Pie throwing is kind of a lost art, and although it may be a rather rudimentary, burlesque humor, there's something inherently funny about taking a pie in the face, under the right conditions.
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Happiness is being served with a paternity suit on your 75th birthday.
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I hated my last boss. He asked, Why are you two hours late? I said, I fell downstairs. He said, That doesn't take two hours.
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Adults ask questions as a child does. When you stop wondering, you might as well put your rocker on the front porch and call it a day.
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Believe me, you don't walk away from the kind of money you make with a daily television show. You might get awful tired of it sometimes, but take a second look at the check and you get less tired right away.
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An oxymoron? What's that? A moron who studies at Oxford?
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Whatever you do, you're going to be criticized.
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Happiness is sitting down to watch some slides of your neighbor's vacation and finding out that he spent two weeks in a nudist colony.
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If variety is the spice of life, marriage is the big can of leftover Spam.
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I can empathize with President [George Bush]. I know what it feels like having a young guy waiting around for you to keel over.
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