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We resort, frankly, to pies, which is a comedy staple that's gone back, I guess, to since the first pie was ever baked.

Johnny Carson

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Johnny Carson
Age: 79 †
Born: 1925
Born: October 23
Died: 2005
Died: January 23
Actor
Host
Journalist
Magician
Military Officer
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Television Presenter
Writer
Corning
Iowa
John William Carson
Carson
The Great Carsoni
Back
Resort
Ever
Resorts
Firsts
Pie
First
Frankly
Guess
Staple
Comedy
Pies
Since
Staples
Gone
Baked

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Thanksgiving is an emotional holiday. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they only see once a year. And then discover once a year is way too often.
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Happiness is a tiger in your tank and a pussycat in your back seat.
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I'm an entertainer I try to give the public what it wants while I'm on the screen, and I'm completely sincere about it. If I don't happen to be a laughing boy off the screen, that doesn't make me a hypocrite or a phony.
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I feel the one sensible thing you can do is try to live in a way that pleases you. If you don't hurt anybody else, what you do is your own business.
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The Champagne they have stored is getting more valuable every year.
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The worst gift is a fruitcake. There is only one fruitcake in the entire world, and people keep sending it to each other.
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George Burns has been on my show twenty or thirty times, or maybe more. How can you turn down a guy that age?
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Happiness is seeing your son drafted the same day he's been accepted to an expensive college.
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I loved the towns I grew up in as a boy, and after I became a celebrity, I went back several times. I would have had the time of my life seeing the old places and the old faces again, but the attitude of those same people was, I guess you're so big we bore you now.
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Do you know my dream? I really want to become an aluminum-siding salesman.
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Happiness is your dentist telling you it won't hurt and then having him catch his hand in the drill.
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Despite the fact that computer speeds are measured in nanoseconds and picoseconds - one billionth and one trillionth of a second, respectively - the smallest interval of time known to man is that which occurs in Manhattan between the traffic signal turning green and the taxi driver behind you blowing his horn.
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Some sad news from Australia... the inventor of the boomerang grenade died today.
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Money gives me just one big thing that's really important, and that's the freedom of not having to worry about money.
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For days after death hair and fingernails continue to grow, but phone calls taper off.
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People will pay more to be entertained than educated.
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When a comic becomes enamored with his own views and foists them off on the public in a polemic way, he loses not only his sense of humor but his value as a humorist.
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If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.
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In 1932, lame duck president Herbert Hoover was so desperate to remain in the White House that he dressed up as Eleanor Roosevelt. When FDR discovered the hoax in 1936, the two men decided to stay together for the sake of the children.
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