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We resort, frankly, to pies, which is a comedy staple that's gone back, I guess, to since the first pie was ever baked.

Johnny Carson

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Johnny Carson
Age: 79 †
Born: 1925
Born: October 23
Died: 2005
Died: January 23
Actor
Host
Journalist
Magician
Military Officer
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Television Presenter
Writer
Corning
Iowa
John William Carson
Carson
The Great Carsoni
Gone
Baked
Back
Resort
Ever
Resorts
Firsts
Pie
First
Frankly
Guess
Staple
Comedy
Pies
Since
Staples

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For days after death hair and fingernails continue to grow, but phone calls taper off.
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The worst gift is a fruitcake. There is only one fruitcake in the entire world, and people keep sending it to each other.
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I loved the towns I grew up in as a boy, and after I became a celebrity, I went back several times. I would have had the time of my life seeing the old places and the old faces again, but the attitude of those same people was, I guess you're so big we bore you now.
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I'm an entertainer, not a commentator. If you're a comedian your job is to make people laugh.
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George Burns has been on my show twenty or thirty times, or maybe more. How can you turn down a guy that age?
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I can empathize with President [George Bush]. I know what it feels like having a young guy waiting around for you to keel over.
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Money gives me just one big thing that's really important, and that's the freedom of not having to worry about money.
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Whatever you do, you're going to be criticized.
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He's so fat, he can be his own running mate.
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Despite the fact that computer speeds are measured in nanoseconds and picoseconds - one billionth and one trillionth of a second, respectively - the smallest interval of time known to man is that which occurs in Manhattan between the traffic signal turning green and the taxi driver behind you blowing his horn.
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Democracy is buying a big house you can't afford with money you don't have to impress people you wish were dead.
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Thanksgiving is an emotional holiday. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they only see once a year. And then discover once a year is way too often.
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The Champagne they have stored is getting more valuable every year.
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They say atomic rad-i-ation can hurt your reproductive organs. My answer is, so can a hockey stick. But we don't stop building them.
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I am one of the lucky people in the world I found something I always wanted to do, and I have enjoyed every single minute of it.
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Never use a big word when a little filthy one will do.
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When a comic becomes enamored with his own views and foists them off on the public in a polemic way, he loses not only his sense of humor but his value as a humorist.
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Democracy means that anyone can grow up to be president, and anyone who doesn't grow up can be vice president.
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People will pay more to be entertained than educated.
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Believe me, you don't walk away from the kind of money you make with a daily television show. You might get awful tired of it sometimes, but take a second look at the check and you get less tired right away.
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