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A two-pound turkey and a fifty-pound cranberry-that's Thanksgiving dinner at Three Mile Island.
Johnny Carson
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Johnny Carson
Age: 79 †
Born: 1925
Born: October 23
Died: 2005
Died: January 23
Actor
Host
Journalist
Magician
Military Officer
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Television Presenter
Writer
Corning
Iowa
John William Carson
Carson
The Great Carsoni
Two
Islands
Cranberry
Pounds
Cranberries
Fifty
Pound
Miles
Mile
Dinner
Turkeys
Nuclear
Turkey
Fun
Thanksgiving
Three
Island
More quotes by Johnny Carson
If variety is the spice of life, marriage is the big can of leftover Spam.
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I get sick of that old rationalization, We're staying together because of the children. Kids couldn't be more miserable living with parents who can't stand each other. They're far better off if there's an honest, clean divorce.
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There's only one critic whose opinion I really value, in the final analysis: Johnny Carson. I have never needed any entourage standing around bolstering my ego. I'm secure. I know exactly who and what I am. I don't need to be told. I make no apologies for being the way I am.
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Democracy is welcoming people from other lands, and giving them something to hold onto. Usually a mop or a leaf blower.
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I think students ought to have the right to protest, but not to the point of anarchy.
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Happiness is a tiger in your tank and a pussycat in your back seat.
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Democracy is buying a big house you can't afford with money you don't have to impress people you wish were dead.
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How much of the national news that you report to the public each night consists of information you've actually gone out and dug up on your own?
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They say atomic rad-i-ation can hurt your reproductive organs. My answer is, so can a hockey stick. But we don't stop building them.
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The Champagne they have stored is getting more valuable every year.
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People will pay more to be entertained than educated.
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An oxymoron? What's that? A moron who studies at Oxford?
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Entertainment is like any other major industry it's cold, big business. The business end wants to know one thing: Can you do the job? If you can, you're in, you're made if you can't, you're out.
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Do you know my dream? I really want to become an aluminum-siding salesman.
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Never ask your wife if she still hears from her old pimp.
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I'm an entertainer I try to give the public what it wants while I'm on the screen, and I'm completely sincere about it. If I don't happen to be a laughing boy off the screen, that doesn't make me a hypocrite or a phony.
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George Burns has been on my show twenty or thirty times, or maybe more. How can you turn down a guy that age?
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Never marry a girl named 'Marie' who used to be known as 'Murray'.
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Happiness is being served with a paternity suit on your 75th birthday.
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Happiness is discovering the prune juice your doctor ordered you to drink has fermented.
Johnny Carson
