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A two-pound turkey and a fifty-pound cranberry-that's Thanksgiving dinner at Three Mile Island.
Johnny Carson
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Johnny Carson
Age: 79 †
Born: 1925
Born: October 23
Died: 2005
Died: January 23
Actor
Host
Journalist
Magician
Military Officer
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Television Presenter
Writer
Corning
Iowa
John William Carson
Carson
The Great Carsoni
Three
Island
Two
Islands
Cranberry
Pounds
Cranberries
Fifty
Pound
Miles
Mile
Dinner
Turkeys
Nuclear
Turkey
Fun
Thanksgiving
More quotes by Johnny Carson
Never ask your wife if she still hears from her old pimp.
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I hated my last boss. He asked, Why are you two hours late? I said, I fell downstairs. He said, That doesn't take two hours.
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Happiness is discovering the prune juice your doctor ordered you to drink has fermented.
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I'm an entertainer I try to give the public what it wants while I'm on the screen, and I'm completely sincere about it. If I don't happen to be a laughing boy off the screen, that doesn't make me a hypocrite or a phony.
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There's a big difference between being a loner and being lonely. I'm far from lonely. My day is full of things I enjoy, starting with my show. Any time my work is going well and I have a relationship with a woman that's pretty solid, that does it for me.
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Entertainment is like any other major industry it's cold, big business. The business end wants to know one thing: Can you do the job? If you can, you're in, you're made if you can't, you're out.
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Never continue in a job you don't enjoy. If you're happy in what you're doing, you'll like yourself, you'll have inner peace. And if you have that, along with physical health, you will have had more success than you could possibly have imagined.
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Never use a big word when a little filthy one will do.
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Adults ask questions as a child does. When you stop wondering, you might as well put your rocker on the front porch and call it a day.
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Money gives me just one big thing that's really important, and that's the freedom of not having to worry about money.
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I am one of the lucky people in the world I found something I always wanted to do, and I have enjoyed every single minute of it.
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Whatever you do, you're going to be criticized.
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Happiness is your dentist telling you it won't hurt and then having him catch his hand in the drill.
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Maybe we should hold the next [Olympic] games in Afghanistan and hope the Soviets pull out of that one too.
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Happiness is seeing your son drafted the same day he's been accepted to an expensive college.
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In 1932, lame duck president Herbert Hoover was so desperate to remain in the White House that he dressed up as Eleanor Roosevelt. When FDR discovered the hoax in 1936, the two men decided to stay together for the sake of the children.
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Happiness is being served with a paternity suit on your 75th birthday.
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People are hypocrites. If you ask them what they want to see on TV, they'll tell you they want better quality programming. And then what do they watch? 'Gilligan's Island.'
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If it weren't for Philo T. Farnsworth, inventor of television, we'd still be eating frozen radio dinners.
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George Burns has been on my show twenty or thirty times, or maybe more. How can you turn down a guy that age?
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