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A two-pound turkey and a fifty-pound cranberry-that's Thanksgiving dinner at Three Mile Island.
Johnny Carson
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Johnny Carson
Age: 79 †
Born: 1925
Born: October 23
Died: 2005
Died: January 23
Actor
Host
Journalist
Magician
Military Officer
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Television Presenter
Writer
Corning
Iowa
John William Carson
Carson
The Great Carsoni
Dinner
Turkeys
Nuclear
Turkey
Fun
Thanksgiving
Three
Island
Two
Islands
Cranberry
Pounds
Cranberries
Fifty
Pound
Miles
Mile
More quotes by Johnny Carson
An oxymoron? What's that? A moron who studies at Oxford?
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Only lie about the future.
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Egyptian President Sadat had a belly dancer entertain President Nixon at a state dinner. Mr. Nixon was really impressed. He hadn't seen contortions like that since Rose Mary Woods.
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How much of the national news that you report to the public each night consists of information you've actually gone out and dug up on your own?
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Democracy means free television, not good television, but free.
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Never ask your wife if she still hears from her old pimp.
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Pittsburgh is kind of like Newark without the cultural advantages.
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Despite the fact that computer speeds are measured in nanoseconds and picoseconds - one billionth and one trillionth of a second, respectively - the smallest interval of time known to man is that which occurs in Manhattan between the traffic signal turning green and the taxi driver behind you blowing his horn.
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Money gives me just one big thing that's really important, and that's the freedom of not having to worry about money.
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Believe me, you don't walk away from the kind of money you make with a daily television show. You might get awful tired of it sometimes, but take a second look at the check and you get less tired right away.
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In 1932, lame duck president Herbert Hoover was so desperate to remain in the White House that he dressed up as Eleanor Roosevelt. When FDR discovered the hoax in 1936, the two men decided to stay together for the sake of the children.
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Happiness is seeing the muscular lifeguard all the girls were admiring leave the beach hand in hand with another muscular lifeguard.
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I think it's almost immoral to keep on with a marriage that's really bad. It just gets more and more rotten and vindictive and everybody gets more and more hurt. There's not enough honesty about marriage, I think. I wish more people would face the truth about their marital situations.
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Happiness is being served with a paternity suit on your 75th birthday.
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People will pay more to be entertained than educated.
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If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.
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According to statistics, it's a lot easier to get hit by lightning than to win a Lotto jackpot. The good side: you don't hear from your relatives.
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I know a guy who gave up smoking cigarettes, consuming, sex, and wealthy meals.
Johnny Carson
Thanksgiving is an emotional holiday. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they only see once a year. And then discover once a year is way too often.
Johnny Carson
I demand my right to a private life, just as I respect that right for everybody else.
Johnny Carson
