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He's so fat, he can be his own running mate.

Johnny Carson

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Johnny Carson
Age: 79 †
Born: 1925
Born: October 23
Died: 2005
Died: January 23
Actor
Host
Journalist
Magician
Military Officer
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Television Presenter
Writer
Corning
Iowa
John William Carson
Carson
The Great Carsoni
Running
Obesity
Mate
Mates
Sarcastic
Fats

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I think students ought to have the right to protest, but not to the point of anarchy.
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Democracy means free television, not good television, but free.
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Entertainment is like any other major industry it's cold, big business. The business end wants to know one thing: Can you do the job? If you can, you're in, you're made if you can't, you're out.
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What's all this fuss about plutonium? How can something named after a Disney character be dangerous?
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The worst gift is a fruitcake. There is only one fruitcake in the entire world, and people keep sending it to each other.
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Do you know my dream? I really want to become an aluminum-siding salesman.
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An oxymoron? What's that? A moron who studies at Oxford?
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Never continue in a job you don't enjoy. If you're happy in what you're doing, you'll like yourself, you'll have inner peace. And if you have that, along with physical health, you will have had more success than you could possibly have imagined.
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I wouldn't have the slightest interest in running for public office. I'd rather make jokes about politicians than become one of them.
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Happiness is seeing your son drafted the same day he's been accepted to an expensive college.
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I loved the towns I grew up in as a boy, and after I became a celebrity, I went back several times. I would have had the time of my life seeing the old places and the old faces again, but the attitude of those same people was, I guess you're so big we bore you now.
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The Hollywood tradition I like best is called sucking up to the stars.
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May you have the income of a Republican and the sex life of a Democrat!
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It's the lack of this kind of open and honest education about sex that causes so many kids to grow up with sexual hang-ups.
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Whatever you do, you're going to be criticized.
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Never marry a girl named 'Marie' who used to be known as 'Murray'.
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In 1932, lame duck president Herbert Hoover was so desperate to remain in the White House that he dressed up as Eleanor Roosevelt. When FDR discovered the hoax in 1936, the two men decided to stay together for the sake of the children.
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A two-pound turkey and a fifty-pound cranberry-that's Thanksgiving dinner at Three Mile Island.
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When a comic becomes enamored with his own views and foists them off on the public in a polemic way, he loses not only his sense of humor but his value as a humorist.
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Happiness is sitting down to watch some slides of your neighbor's vacation and finding out that he spent two weeks in a nudist colony.
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