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He's so fat, he can be his own running mate.

Johnny Carson

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Johnny Carson
Age: 79 †
Born: 1925
Born: October 23
Died: 2005
Died: January 23
Actor
Host
Journalist
Magician
Military Officer
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Television Presenter
Writer
Corning
Iowa
John William Carson
Carson
The Great Carsoni
Sarcastic
Fats
Running
Obesity
Mate
Mates

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As you all know by now, this is the 51st annual Academy Awards. Two hours of sparkling entertainment spread out over a four-hour show.
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Only lie about the future.
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George Burns has been on my show twenty or thirty times, or maybe more. How can you turn down a guy that age?
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Democracy is buying a big house you can't afford with money you don't have to impress people you wish were dead.
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If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.
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Democracy is welcoming people from other lands, and giving them something to hold onto. Usually a mop or a leaf blower.
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An oxymoron? What's that? A moron who studies at Oxford?
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A two-pound turkey and a fifty-pound cranberry-that's Thanksgiving dinner at Three Mile Island.
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Maybe we should hold the next [Olympic] games in Afghanistan and hope the Soviets pull out of that one too.
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Democracy means that anyone can grow up to be president, and anyone who doesn't grow up can be vice president.
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Adults ask questions as a child does. When you stop wondering, you might as well put your rocker on the front porch and call it a day.
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The Hollywood tradition I like best is called sucking up to the stars.
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I owe one thing to my public - the best performance I can give.
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I hear that whenever someone in the White House tells a lie, Nixon gets a royalty.
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How much of the national news that you report to the public each night consists of information you've actually gone out and dug up on your own?
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I would like to say, for the record, that I am in favor of using more American Indians and other minorities in motion pictures, I am against polluting the oceans of the world, I am for every nationality having its own homeland, I am against whacking baby seals on the head, and I am for saving the whales.
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I am one of the lucky people in the world I found something I always wanted to do, and I have enjoyed every single minute of it.
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The only thing money gives you is the freedom of not worrying about money.
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I have an ego like anybody else, but I don't need to be stoked by going before the public all the time.
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I'm an entertainer, not a commentator. If you're a comedian your job is to make people laugh.
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