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He's so fat, he can be his own running mate.

Johnny Carson

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Johnny Carson
Age: 79 †
Born: 1925
Born: October 23
Died: 2005
Died: January 23
Actor
Host
Journalist
Magician
Military Officer
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Television Presenter
Writer
Corning
Iowa
John William Carson
Carson
The Great Carsoni
Fats
Running
Obesity
Mate
Mates
Sarcastic

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If it weren't for Philo T. Farnsworth, inventor of television, we'd still be eating frozen radio dinners.
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Money gives me just one big thing that's really important, and that's the freedom of not having to worry about money.
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The only issue cash presents you is the independence of not stressing about funds.
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Maybe we should hold the next [Olympic] games in Afghanistan and hope the Soviets pull out of that one too.
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Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place.
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I am one of the lucky people in the world I found something I always wanted to do, and I have enjoyed every single minute of it.
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When the public starts classifying you as thoughtful, someone given to serious issues, you find yourself declassified as a humorist.
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Only lie about the future.
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According to statistics, it's a lot easier to get hit by lightning than to win a Lotto jackpot. The good side: you don't hear from your relatives.
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Democracy means free television, not good television, but free.
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I'm an entertainer, not a commentator. If you're a comedian your job is to make people laugh.
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Egyptian President Sadat had a belly dancer entertain President Nixon at a state dinner. Mr. Nixon was really impressed. He hadn't seen contortions like that since Rose Mary Woods.
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If you're happy in what you're doing, you'll like yourself, you'll have inner peace.
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It's the lack of this kind of open and honest education about sex that causes so many kids to grow up with sexual hang-ups.
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People will pay more to be entertained than educated.
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The only thing money gives you is the freedom of not worrying about money.
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I get sick of that old rationalization, We're staying together because of the children. Kids couldn't be more miserable living with parents who can't stand each other. They're far better off if there's an honest, clean divorce.
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Entertainment is like any other major industry it's cold, big business. The business end wants to know one thing: Can you do the job? If you can, you're in, you're made if you can't, you're out.
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As you all know by now, this is the 51st annual Academy Awards. Two hours of sparkling entertainment spread out over a four-hour show.
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I would like to say, for the record, that I am in favor of using more American Indians and other minorities in motion pictures, I am against polluting the oceans of the world, I am for every nationality having its own homeland, I am against whacking baby seals on the head, and I am for saving the whales.
Johnny Carson