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The worst gift is a fruitcake. There is only one fruitcake in the entire world, and people keep sending it to each other.

Johnny Carson

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Johnny Carson
Age: 79 †
Born: 1925
Born: October 23
Died: 2005
Died: January 23
Actor
Host
Journalist
Magician
Military Officer
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Television Presenter
Writer
Corning
Iowa
John William Carson
Carson
The Great Carsoni
Keep
World
People
Sending
Birthday
Christmas
Entire
Gift
Worst

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A two-pound turkey and a fifty-pound cranberry-that's Thanksgiving dinner at Three Mile Island.
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If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.
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I would like to say, for the record, that I am in favor of using more American Indians and other minorities in motion pictures, I am against polluting the oceans of the world, I am for every nationality having its own homeland, I am against whacking baby seals on the head, and I am for saving the whales.
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Democracy is buying a big house you can't afford with money you don't have to impress people you wish were dead.
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I hear that whenever someone in the White House tells a lie, Nixon gets a royalty.
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Pie throwing is kind of a lost art, and although it may be a rather rudimentary, burlesque humor, there's something inherently funny about taking a pie in the face, under the right conditions.
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It's the lack of this kind of open and honest education about sex that causes so many kids to grow up with sexual hang-ups.
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We resort, frankly, to pies, which is a comedy staple that's gone back, I guess, to since the first pie was ever baked.
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An oxymoron? What's that? A moron who studies at Oxford?
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What's all this fuss about plutonium? How can something named after a Disney character be dangerous?
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Never ask your wife if she still hears from her old pimp.
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When a comic becomes enamored with his own views and foists them off on the public in a polemic way, he loses not only his sense of humor but his value as a humorist.
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Never marry a girl named 'Marie' who used to be known as 'Murray'.
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I get sick of that old rationalization, We're staying together because of the children. Kids couldn't be more miserable living with parents who can't stand each other. They're far better off if there's an honest, clean divorce.
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If variety is the spice of life, marriage is the big can of leftover Spam.
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Never continue in a job you don't enjoy. If you're happy in what you're doing, you'll like yourself, you'll have inner peace. And if you have that, along with physical health, you will have had more success than you could possibly have imagined.
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The closest thing to Roseanne Barr's singing the national anthem was my cat being neutered.
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Happiness is discovering the prune juice your doctor ordered you to drink has fermented.
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Never use a big word when a little filthy one will do.
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I hated my last boss. He asked, Why are you two hours late? I said, I fell downstairs. He said, That doesn't take two hours.
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