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If variety is the spice of life, marriage is the big can of leftover Spam.

Johnny Carson

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Johnny Carson
Age: 79 †
Born: 1925
Born: October 23
Died: 2005
Died: January 23
Actor
Host
Journalist
Magician
Military Officer
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Television Presenter
Writer
Corning
Iowa
John William Carson
Carson
The Great Carsoni
Spices
Variety
Marriage
Funny
Bigs
Life
Leftover
Spam
Spice

More quotes by Johnny Carson

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I loved the towns I grew up in as a boy, and after I became a celebrity, I went back several times. I would have had the time of my life seeing the old places and the old faces again, but the attitude of those same people was, I guess you're so big we bore you now.
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I can empathize with President [George Bush]. I know what it feels like having a young guy waiting around for you to keel over.
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As you all know by now, this is the 51st annual Academy Awards. Two hours of sparkling entertainment spread out over a four-hour show.
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Happiness is being served with a paternity suit on your 75th birthday.
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An oxymoron? What's that? A moron who studies at Oxford?
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I hear that whenever someone in the White House tells a lie, Nixon gets a royalty.
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Happiness is discovering the prune juice your doctor ordered you to drink has fermented.
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If it weren't for Philo T. Farnsworth, inventor of television, we'd still be eating frozen radio dinners.
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Never ask your wife if she still hears from her old pimp.
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I know a guy who gave up smoking cigarettes, consuming, sex, and wealthy meals.
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Happiness is seeing the muscular lifeguard all the girls were admiring leave the beach hand in hand with another muscular lifeguard.
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Happiness is seeing your son drafted the same day he's been accepted to an expensive college.
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I demand my right to a private life, just as I respect that right for everybody else.
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The only thing money gives you is the freedom of not worrying about money.
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Only lie about the future.
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Adults ask questions as a child does. When you stop wondering, you might as well put your rocker on the front porch and call it a day.
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Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place.
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In 1932, lame duck president Herbert Hoover was so desperate to remain in the White House that he dressed up as Eleanor Roosevelt. When FDR discovered the hoax in 1936, the two men decided to stay together for the sake of the children.
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Money gives me just one big thing that's really important, and that's the freedom of not having to worry about money.
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George Burns has been on my show twenty or thirty times, or maybe more. How can you turn down a guy that age?
Johnny Carson