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If variety is the spice of life, marriage is the big can of leftover Spam.

Johnny Carson

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Johnny Carson
Age: 79 †
Born: 1925
Born: October 23
Died: 2005
Died: January 23
Actor
Host
Journalist
Magician
Military Officer
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Television Presenter
Writer
Corning
Iowa
John William Carson
Carson
The Great Carsoni
Bigs
Life
Leftover
Spam
Spice
Spices
Variety
Marriage
Funny

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Never use a big word when a little filthy one will do.
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Happiness is sitting down to watch some slides of your neighbor's vacation and finding out that he spent two weeks in a nudist colony.
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People will pay more to be entertained than educated.
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According to statistics, it's a lot easier to get hit by lightning than to win a Lotto jackpot. The good side: you don't hear from your relatives.
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Entertainment is like any other major industry it's cold, big business. The business end wants to know one thing: Can you do the job? If you can, you're in, you're made if you can't, you're out.
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Never continue in a job you don't enjoy. If you're happy in what you're doing, you'll like yourself, you'll have inner peace. And if you have that, along with physical health, you will have had more success than you could possibly have imagined.
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I hated my last boss. He asked, Why are you two hours late? I said, I fell downstairs. He said, That doesn't take two hours.
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We resort, frankly, to pies, which is a comedy staple that's gone back, I guess, to since the first pie was ever baked.
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Whatever you do, you're going to be criticized.
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As you all know by now, this is the 51st annual Academy Awards. Two hours of sparkling entertainment spread out over a four-hour show.
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Never ask your wife if she still hears from her old pimp.
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Democracy is buying a big house you can't afford with money you don't have to impress people you wish were dead.
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I think it's almost immoral to keep on with a marriage that's really bad. It just gets more and more rotten and vindictive and everybody gets more and more hurt. There's not enough honesty about marriage, I think. I wish more people would face the truth about their marital situations.
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My success just evolved from working hard at the business at hand each day.
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Pittsburgh is kind of like Newark without the cultural advantages.
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Thanksgiving is an emotional holiday. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they only see once a year. And then discover once a year is way too often.
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I'm an entertainer, not a commentator. If you're a comedian your job is to make people laugh.
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George Burns has been on my show twenty or thirty times, or maybe more. How can you turn down a guy that age?
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Happiness is a tiger in your tank and a pussycat in your back seat.
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Some sad news from Australia... the inventor of the boomerang grenade died today.
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