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If variety is the spice of life, marriage is the big can of leftover Spam.
Johnny Carson
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Johnny Carson
Age: 79 †
Born: 1925
Born: October 23
Died: 2005
Died: January 23
Actor
Host
Journalist
Magician
Military Officer
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Television Presenter
Writer
Corning
Iowa
John William Carson
Carson
The Great Carsoni
Spice
Spices
Variety
Marriage
Funny
Bigs
Life
Leftover
Spam
More quotes by Johnny Carson
George Burns has been on my show twenty or thirty times, or maybe more. How can you turn down a guy that age?
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I think students ought to have the right to protest, but not to the point of anarchy.
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According to statistics, it's a lot easier to get hit by lightning than to win a Lotto jackpot. The good side: you don't hear from your relatives.
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They say atomic rad-i-ation can hurt your reproductive organs. My answer is, so can a hockey stick. But we don't stop building them.
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I hear that whenever someone in the White House tells a lie, Nixon gets a royalty.
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The vast majority of us don't want to face the fact that we're in the middle of a sweeping social revolution. In sex. In spiritual values. In opposition to wars no one wants. In opposition to government big-brotherhood. In civil rights. In basic human goals. They're all facets of a general upheaval.
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Happiness is being served with a paternity suit on your 75th birthday.
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Never ask your wife if she still hears from her old pimp.
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Whatever you do, you're going to be criticized.
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Democracy is welcoming people from other lands, and giving them something to hold onto. Usually a mop or a leaf blower.
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May you have the income of a Republican and the sex life of a Democrat!
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The Champagne they have stored is getting more valuable every year.
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I'm an entertainer, not a commentator. If you're a comedian your job is to make people laugh.
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Entertainment is like any other major industry it's cold, big business. The business end wants to know one thing: Can you do the job? If you can, you're in, you're made if you can't, you're out.
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Never marry a girl named 'Marie' who used to be known as 'Murray'.
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There's only one critic whose opinion I really value, in the final analysis: Johnny Carson. I have never needed any entourage standing around bolstering my ego. I'm secure. I know exactly who and what I am. I don't need to be told. I make no apologies for being the way I am.
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If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.
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I'm an entertainer I try to give the public what it wants while I'm on the screen, and I'm completely sincere about it. If I don't happen to be a laughing boy off the screen, that doesn't make me a hypocrite or a phony.
Johnny Carson
Never use a big word when a little filthy one will do.
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My success just evolved from working hard at the business at hand each day.
Johnny Carson
