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If variety is the spice of life, marriage is the big can of leftover Spam.

Johnny Carson

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Johnny Carson
Age: 79 †
Born: 1925
Born: October 23
Died: 2005
Died: January 23
Actor
Host
Journalist
Magician
Military Officer
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Television Presenter
Writer
Corning
Iowa
John William Carson
Carson
The Great Carsoni
Spice
Spices
Variety
Marriage
Funny
Bigs
Leftover
Life
Spam

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I hear that whenever someone in the White House tells a lie, Nixon gets a royalty.
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As you all know by now, this is the 51st annual Academy Awards. Two hours of sparkling entertainment spread out over a four-hour show.
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For days after death hair and fingernails continue to grow, but phone calls taper off.
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I loved the towns I grew up in as a boy, and after I became a celebrity, I went back several times. I would have had the time of my life seeing the old places and the old faces again, but the attitude of those same people was, I guess you're so big we bore you now.
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The worst gift is a fruitcake. There is only one fruitcake in the entire world, and people keep sending it to each other.
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Thanksgiving is an emotional holiday. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they only see once a year. And then discover once a year is way too often.
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Democracy means free television, not good television, but free.
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I know a guy who gave up smoking cigarettes, consuming, sex, and wealthy meals.
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Some sad news from Australia... the inventor of the boomerang grenade died today.
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The closest thing to Roseanne Barr's singing the national anthem was my cat being neutered.
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Do you know my dream? I really want to become an aluminum-siding salesman.
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How much of the national news that you report to the public each night consists of information you've actually gone out and dug up on your own?
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Only lie about the future.
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Despite the fact that computer speeds are measured in nanoseconds and picoseconds - one billionth and one trillionth of a second, respectively - the smallest interval of time known to man is that which occurs in Manhattan between the traffic signal turning green and the taxi driver behind you blowing his horn.
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Never use a big word when a little filthy one will do.
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When the public starts classifying you as thoughtful, someone given to serious issues, you find yourself declassified as a humorist.
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I owe one thing to my public - the best performance I can give.
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Money gives me just one big thing that's really important, and that's the freedom of not having to worry about money.
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Democracy is buying a big house you can't afford with money you don't have to impress people you wish were dead.
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He's so fat, he can be his own running mate.
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