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Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place.

Johnny Carson

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Johnny Carson
Age: 79 †
Born: 1925
Born: October 23
Died: 2005
Died: January 23
Actor
Host
Journalist
Magician
Military Officer
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Television Presenter
Writer
Corning
Iowa
John William Carson
Carson
The Great Carsoni
Comedy
Four
Yorkers
Taken
Cab
Place
Robbery
Together
Anytime
Without
Bank
Arguing
Humorous

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Never continue in a job you don't enjoy. If you're happy in what you're doing, you'll like yourself, you'll have inner peace. And if you have that, along with physical health, you will have had more success than you could possibly have imagined.
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As long as I don't commit any crimes, you have no right to judge me except by my performance as a professional. On that level, you're welcome to think whatever you want about me.
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I think students ought to have the right to protest, but not to the point of anarchy.
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If it weren't for Philo T. Farnsworth, inventor of television, we'd still be eating frozen radio dinners.
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People will pay more to be entertained than educated.
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I wouldn't have the slightest interest in running for public office. I'd rather make jokes about politicians than become one of them.
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They say atomic rad-i-ation can hurt your reproductive organs. My answer is, so can a hockey stick. But we don't stop building them.
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For days after death hair and fingernails continue to grow, but phone calls taper off.
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If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.
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When the public starts classifying you as thoughtful, someone given to serious issues, you find yourself declassified as a humorist.
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There's only one critic whose opinion I really value, in the final analysis: Johnny Carson. I have never needed any entourage standing around bolstering my ego. I'm secure. I know exactly who and what I am. I don't need to be told. I make no apologies for being the way I am.
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I demand my right to a private life, just as I respect that right for everybody else.
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Adults ask questions as a child does. When you stop wondering, you might as well put your rocker on the front porch and call it a day.
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Happiness is seeing the muscular lifeguard all the girls were admiring leave the beach hand in hand with another muscular lifeguard.
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I think it's almost immoral to keep on with a marriage that's really bad. It just gets more and more rotten and vindictive and everybody gets more and more hurt. There's not enough honesty about marriage, I think. I wish more people would face the truth about their marital situations.
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People are hypocrites. If you ask them what they want to see on TV, they'll tell you they want better quality programming. And then what do they watch? 'Gilligan's Island.'
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According to statistics, it's a lot easier to get hit by lightning than to win a Lotto jackpot. The good side: you don't hear from your relatives.
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Never marry a girl named 'Marie' who used to be known as 'Murray'.
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The closest thing to Roseanne Barr's singing the national anthem was my cat being neutered.
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I hated my last boss. He asked, Why are you two hours late? I said, I fell downstairs. He said, That doesn't take two hours.
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