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Democracy means that anyone can grow up to be president, and anyone who doesn't grow up can be vice president.

Johnny Carson

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Johnny Carson
Age: 79 †
Born: 1925
Born: October 23
Died: 2005
Died: January 23
Actor
Host
Journalist
Magician
Military Officer
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Television Presenter
Writer
Corning
Iowa
John William Carson
Carson
The Great Carsoni
Mean
Vices
Grow
Democracy
Grows
Anyone
President
Means
Doesn
Vice

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It's the lack of this kind of open and honest education about sex that causes so many kids to grow up with sexual hang-ups.
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Believe me, you don't walk away from the kind of money you make with a daily television show. You might get awful tired of it sometimes, but take a second look at the check and you get less tired right away.
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Democracy is welcoming people from other lands, and giving them something to hold onto. Usually a mop or a leaf blower.
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If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.
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He's so fat, he can be his own running mate.
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I demand my right to a private life, just as I respect that right for everybody else.
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According to statistics, it's a lot easier to get hit by lightning than to win a Lotto jackpot. The good side: you don't hear from your relatives.
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Happiness is your dentist telling you it won't hurt and then having him catch his hand in the drill.
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Entertainment is like any other major industry it's cold, big business. The business end wants to know one thing: Can you do the job? If you can, you're in, you're made if you can't, you're out.
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The only issue cash presents you is the independence of not stressing about funds.
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Do you know my dream? I really want to become an aluminum-siding salesman.
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I think it's almost immoral to keep on with a marriage that's really bad. It just gets more and more rotten and vindictive and everybody gets more and more hurt. There's not enough honesty about marriage, I think. I wish more people would face the truth about their marital situations.
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Happiness is discovering the prune juice your doctor ordered you to drink has fermented.
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An oxymoron? What's that? A moron who studies at Oxford?
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Never use a big word when a little filthy one will do.
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Never continue in a job you don't enjoy. If you're happy in what you're doing, you'll like yourself, you'll have inner peace. And if you have that, along with physical health, you will have had more success than you could possibly have imagined.
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Pie throwing is kind of a lost art, and although it may be a rather rudimentary, burlesque humor, there's something inherently funny about taking a pie in the face, under the right conditions.
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Never ask your wife if she still hears from her old pimp.
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I get sick of that old rationalization, We're staying together because of the children. Kids couldn't be more miserable living with parents who can't stand each other. They're far better off if there's an honest, clean divorce.
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They say atomic rad-i-ation can hurt your reproductive organs. My answer is, so can a hockey stick. But we don't stop building them.
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