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Democracy means that anyone can grow up to be president, and anyone who doesn't grow up can be vice president.

Johnny Carson

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Johnny Carson
Age: 79 †
Born: 1925
Born: October 23
Died: 2005
Died: January 23
Actor
Host
Journalist
Magician
Military Officer
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Television Presenter
Writer
Corning
Iowa
John William Carson
Carson
The Great Carsoni
President
Means
Doesn
Vice
Mean
Vices
Grow
Democracy
Grows
Anyone

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I wouldn't have the slightest interest in running for public office. I'd rather make jokes about politicians than become one of them.
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Never marry a girl named 'Marie' who used to be known as 'Murray'.
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I hated my last boss. He asked, Why are you two hours late? I said, I fell downstairs. He said, That doesn't take two hours.
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Believe me, you don't walk away from the kind of money you make with a daily television show. You might get awful tired of it sometimes, but take a second look at the check and you get less tired right away.
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Democracy is buying a big house you can't afford with money you don't have to impress people you wish were dead.
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Whatever you do, you're going to be criticized.
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Never ask your wife if she still hears from her old pimp.
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As you all know by now, this is the 51st annual Academy Awards. Two hours of sparkling entertainment spread out over a four-hour show.
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Adults ask questions as a child does. When you stop wondering, you might as well put your rocker on the front porch and call it a day.
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We resort, frankly, to pies, which is a comedy staple that's gone back, I guess, to since the first pie was ever baked.
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People are hypocrites. If you ask them what they want to see on TV, they'll tell you they want better quality programming. And then what do they watch? 'Gilligan's Island.'
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Some sad news from Australia... the inventor of the boomerang grenade died today.
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Happiness is being served with a paternity suit on your 75th birthday.
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When a comic becomes enamored with his own views and foists them off on the public in a polemic way, he loses not only his sense of humor but his value as a humorist.
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I get sick of that old rationalization, We're staying together because of the children. Kids couldn't be more miserable living with parents who can't stand each other. They're far better off if there's an honest, clean divorce.
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What's all this fuss about plutonium? How can something named after a Disney character be dangerous?
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Despite the fact that computer speeds are measured in nanoseconds and picoseconds - one billionth and one trillionth of a second, respectively - the smallest interval of time known to man is that which occurs in Manhattan between the traffic signal turning green and the taxi driver behind you blowing his horn.
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I loved the towns I grew up in as a boy, and after I became a celebrity, I went back several times. I would have had the time of my life seeing the old places and the old faces again, but the attitude of those same people was, I guess you're so big we bore you now.
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Happiness is a tiger in your tank and a pussycat in your back seat.
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The Hollywood tradition I like best is called sucking up to the stars.
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