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Happiness is your dentist telling you it won't hurt and then having him catch his hand in the drill.
Johnny Carson
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Johnny Carson
Age: 79 †
Born: 1925
Born: October 23
Died: 2005
Died: January 23
Actor
Host
Journalist
Magician
Military Officer
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Television Presenter
Writer
Corning
Iowa
John William Carson
Carson
The Great Carsoni
Hands
Drills
Dentist
Catch
Telling
Hurt
Dentistry
Hand
Toothache
Happiness
Dental
Funny
Drill
More quotes by Johnny Carson
The Hollywood tradition I like best is called sucking up to the stars.
Johnny Carson
I know a guy who gave up smoking cigarettes, consuming, sex, and wealthy meals.
Johnny Carson
As long as I don't commit any crimes, you have no right to judge me except by my performance as a professional. On that level, you're welcome to think whatever you want about me.
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The worst gift is a fruitcake. There is only one fruitcake in the entire world, and people keep sending it to each other.
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I feel the one sensible thing you can do is try to live in a way that pleases you. If you don't hurt anybody else, what you do is your own business.
Johnny Carson
You become successful, the way I see it, only if you're good enough to deliver what the public enjoys. If you're not, you won't have any audience so the performer really has more to do with his success than the public does.
Johnny Carson
As you all know by now, this is the 51st annual Academy Awards. Two hours of sparkling entertainment spread out over a four-hour show.
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A two-pound turkey and a fifty-pound cranberry-that's Thanksgiving dinner at Three Mile Island.
Johnny Carson
Never marry a girl named 'Marie' who used to be known as 'Murray'.
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May you have the income of a Republican and the sex life of a Democrat!
Johnny Carson
I have an ego like anybody else, but I don't need to be stoked by going before the public all the time.
Johnny Carson
I owe one thing to my public - the best performance I can give.
Johnny Carson
People are hypocrites. If you ask them what they want to see on TV, they'll tell you they want better quality programming. And then what do they watch? 'Gilligan's Island.'
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Happiness is sitting down to watch some slides of your neighbor's vacation and finding out that he spent two weeks in a nudist colony.
Johnny Carson
When the public starts classifying you as thoughtful, someone given to serious issues, you find yourself declassified as a humorist.
Johnny Carson
The only thing money gives you is the freedom of not worrying about money.
Johnny Carson
Believe me, you don't walk away from the kind of money you make with a daily television show. You might get awful tired of it sometimes, but take a second look at the check and you get less tired right away.
Johnny Carson
Never continue in a job you don't enjoy. If you're happy in what you're doing, you'll like yourself, you'll have inner peace. And if you have that, along with physical health, you will have had more success than you could possibly have imagined.
Johnny Carson
He's so fat, he can be his own running mate.
Johnny Carson
Despite the fact that computer speeds are measured in nanoseconds and picoseconds - one billionth and one trillionth of a second, respectively - the smallest interval of time known to man is that which occurs in Manhattan between the traffic signal turning green and the taxi driver behind you blowing his horn.
Johnny Carson
