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I do not want to leave in [U.S.] ... I cannot make that clear enough to immigration authorities who may be listening to this interview. I don't want to leave, so please don't make me.

John Oliver

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John Oliver
Age: 47
Born: 1977
Born: April 23
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Journalist
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Television Presenter
Television Producer
Writer
John William Oliver
Listening
Please
Leave
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Cannot
Interview
May
Interviews
Enough
Immigration
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More quotes by John Oliver

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Having a human conversation is not something I've had any training in either as a comedian or as, you know, a human being.
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If you’re asking me, would I have voted for Mitt Romney, the answer is absolutely not. Emphatically not. I cannot envision a world in which I would have voted for Mitt Romney unless I sustained a massive concussion.
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Whatever the occasion, [the Queen] has a face which demonstrably says 'I don't give a royal s**t.'
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You just try to be true to your idea of what is funny and what is also interesting.
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My family are from Liverpool, so I have some twang there - I have a Midlands accent, and I was raised about an hour north of London, so my voice is a mess. Although, to American ears, it sounds like the crisp language of a queen's butler.
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I did sketch comedy, but I never did improv. So I've just tried to learn as I go.
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I'm British. I don't really have access to my emotions on a daily basis.
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I think being an outsider in general always helps you in comedy. I think it helps to have an outsider's eye. And so I have an outsider's voice. You know, as soon as I start talking, I don't belong here. And I think that helps in a way.
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I know I'd be an absolutely horrendous politician.
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Campaign ads are the backbone of American democracy if American democracy suffered a gigantic spinal injury.
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I have exactly as much rhythm as you think I have.
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There is no greater anesthetic than sport.
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Welcome to The Daily Show, I'm John Oliver. Jon Stewart is still not here. He is currently living out a live-action Lord of the Rings role-playing experience deep in the New Zealand wilderness.
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Veterans' issues are quite close to my heart. I find it quite hard to talk about, actually.
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One thing that America is objectively exceptional at is overreacting whenever anyone accuses them of not being exceptional.
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People, I guess, generally come to see me do stand-up with a working knowledge of my broad sense of humor on The Daily Show ... I don't think anyone would mistake me as an actual anchor.
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Florida, just because you're shaped like some combination of a gun and a d*ck doesn't mean you have to act that way.
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Congress never loses its capacity to disappoint you.
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I get nostalgic for British negativity. There is an inherent hope and positive drive to New Yorkers. When you go back to Britain, everybody is just running everything down. It's like whatever the opposite of a hug is.
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When I heard that Hitler had problems with flatulence, it's funny. What - does that make him a funny man? No. It means he had funny moments when his rear end was speaking louder than his mouth.
John Oliver